Sun Salutations

Yoga is a Great Way to Start the Day

I love to start the day with three sun salutations.  I ask the Lord how I can serve today.  I try to listen well for the answer.  I recognize the warmth and love and light of the Lord.  When I hear the answer, I try not to complain or protest or claim that it is impossible or that I cannot do it or that I am not worthy or capable or competent, but I struggle.  In the end, I want what the Lord wants so badly that I have no choice but to comply.  And then I praise the Lord and love the Lord even more.  In the morning the sun comes up and the cycle repeats.

 

Mike and Me

How the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” really work.

Beloved Readers,

What would I do without you?  I would certainly perish.

I know you want to know what happened to my perfect marriage and my perfect life that everyone thought they were so jealous of.  Since I am now divorced, I know you wonder what man could be good enough for me.  I have no idea how I can possibly explain it to you when I cannot even comprehend it myself.  But as my sister the special education teacher says, we have to at least make an effort.  So here goes…

My mother always told me that there is a lid for every pot, and that even odd-shaped pots have a lid.  Since she was used to cooking at altitude, it does stand to reason that she could really appreciate the necessity of a lid.

So I could never understand how people could get divorced after 20 years of marriage.  It always bothered me especially, almost as if I somehow knew deep down inside that it would happen to me someday.

My ex-husband, Mike, and I have been through too much together – a parade of horrors, really.  We have felt each other since we were little children.  When he visited my state in the summertime, it was especially turbulent for both of us, even though we never saw each other until much, much later.

I was on a crazed path to find him.  After college, I moved to another state by myself and, after three years of working as a chemist, started graduate school in biology.  It was in the midst of my graduate program that I finally found my destiny, or rather was introduced to him.  And that is when the real trouble started.

We got set up to meet at a Halloween party of a mutual friend on whom the inevitable was not lost either.  Of course my future husband would have had to try hard to make a worse first impression.  When I finally asked him out to lunch before I left the party, he said no.  Yet I found myself leaving some guy in a hot tub the moment Mike summoned me because that is how connected we are.  And that is what it took to goad him because that is how we used to be in the past.

Sadly, Mike was almost dead when I met him, and no doctor could figure out what was wrong.  I fell in love with him.  I believed in him.  And sure enough, he figured out that the sick buildings were making all of us sick.  He thought the unthinkable, and he was right.

He took me to the laboratory where he was doing his research.  He was growing heart cells in a circular plastic dish.  He showed me under the microscope how he had nurtured them so well that they were beating rhythmically all together.  I thought I saw grace.  I realized I was not breathing.  Although the heart is linked to emotions and virtues, such as love and courage, it is actually a muscular pump.

I thought Mike was cool because he was dating a black woman.  My previous fiancé wanted nothing more to do with me once he found out I had been with a black man (well, two black men actually, but who is counting?).  I wanted nothing more to do with him, either, and was sorry I didn’t mention it earlier.  But of course he broke my heart, too, and I still love him, too.  Anyway, I was so relieved to know that at least I would not have that problem with Mike because Mike at least understood that not-white is right.

Diversity is a species-preserving mechanism.  You see, the only thing that does not change is that things change.  If we are all the same, then when things change, we all die.  As a species, we have to be ready for anything.  We are all in this together, especially now with climate change.

“You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:18).

As can clearly be seen from the above, racism is against the Word and therefore against the Lord.  Racism is also biologically incorrect since inbreeding (mating of closely related individuals) leads to decreased biological fitness of a population by increasing chances of offspring being affected by deleterious recessive traits.  Wikipedia

When Mike and I went to get our marriage license, we were told no.  “We don’t marry cousins here!” she despicably announced to us in front of everyone.  For one of our anniversaries, our mothers and sisters collaborated to send us side-by-side framed pictures of us as first graders.  Indeed, everyone thought those were our kids.  Yet our whole world put Mike & Me together just like Flowers in the Attic.  Rather than respecting God’s creation, this evil world destroys love by trying to dictate it.

I finally crashed my spaceship into Mike’s.  It was well beyond attraction.  It was more of a recognition.  A recognition of a shared destiny no matter what.  It was out of this world, very, very far out.

I nursed him back to health so that we could make the world a better place together.  I thought he would either get better or die.  Who knew those were not the only two options?

My husband bought into biomedical atheism where he chose science in the God vs. science debate.  Whether it was caused by or the cause of his atheism I don’t know, but he also developed the god complex.  The god complex is a serious potential pitfall for the super smart that will almost certainly be exacerbated by medical school brainwashing.

A person with a god complex may refuse to admit the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of irrefutable evidence, intractable problems or impossible tasks.  The person is also highly dogmatic in their views, meaning the person speaks of their personal opinions as though they are unquestionably correct.  Someone with a god complex may exhibit no regard for the conventions and demands of society, and may request special consideration or privileges.  Wikipedia

God complex has also been described as a belief that one is a god.  My husband developed so much pride in his own intelligence that he did not need the Lord.  His good looks made it all even worse.  When you get to where you can, you find that you are either believing in God or you are playing God.  And when people play God, atrocities happen.

As I tried to explain in my first blog post, I attribute most of my most important wisdom to the fact that I am a whore.  So trust me when I tell you that what they teach white men in fraternities and medical school and the military (is there a difference fundamentally?) is that you can control people by treating them like shit and breaking them down.  And if you are successful at it, people admire you and try to emulate you.  And if you are not successful at it but you are rich, then you can buy an army and lots of publicity to force your will on the masses.  You just have to instantaneously put yourself above any other person you meet no matter what.  Be condescending, look down at them, scoff a lot, use your body posture in a dominating and sexist manner, especially if you look good.  Blame them for everything, make them responsible for everything but powerless, take all the credit and project all of your anxieties and insecurities on them and act like they are theirs.  Look how well it has worked and is working, especially on the nice people!

If you are afraid of losing a beautiful woman, the above tactics can be incredibly useful as well.  The way you treat her makes her feel like shit and she believes it is all her fault.  She is not beautiful because she does not feel beautiful because she is not treated as a beauty.

The sword becomes the shield as pride is used for protection against bullying and attack in this evil world.  Really this is just evil propagating more evil: “When pride comes, then comes shame: but with the lowly is wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).

Mike proceeded to drag me deep into hell with him and I let him.  I let him, I never let go, I endured an inhuman amount of pain because I love him that much.  My trip through hell has been physical as well as spiritual and looks a lot like Dante’s:

Living with someone who did not accept Christ was a hopeless life confined to nothing more than rational minds can conceive, which in the absence of the Lord is nothing more than wicked plots.  The emptiness of a life devoid of spirituality leads to greed for material possessions that, in turn, can lead to being ensnared in the “more is never enough” trap.  The power of lust to blow one about needlessly and aimlessly was no stranger to me.  The cold, selfish and empty sensuality of his life resulted in the anger or sulkiness that can find no joy in God or wife or the universe.  Frustration and desperation led to exploitation and the feeding of a vicious, negative cycle.  What really convinced me, as a scientist, is that things went wrong 100% of the time, which is a statistical impossibility.  Even by chance alone, things should only go horribly wrong 50% of the time.

Looking back, it seems unfathomable, really.  No way was I going to let go, though.  Oh no, I was going to drag both of our asses back out of hell instead of succumbing or ditching him.  That is what unconditional, seemingly unrequited love is.  What love could rival that?  And yeah, we both got hurt badly in the process.  That doesn’t kill our love, though, only the way we have to live moving forward.

He always said that he loved me and I believed him until I could not believe him anymore because he could not show me love no matter what I did.  I could not make him happy, in spite of my huge imagination and all the things I tried over more than 20 years.

Loving someone without being able to show them love is like having faith yet being unable to perform charity.  Those who believe that faith alone will be enough for salvation have misunderstood Paul’s statement in Romans 3:28, that “Man is justified by faith without the works of the Law.”  Paul meant the works of the Mosaic law which was for the Jews.  This may clearly be seen from Paul’s words to Peter, “Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law” (Gal 2:14-16).  Also, he distinguishes between the law of faith and the law of works, or deeds (see Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation).

Do the work of repentance and look to the Lord and you will have faith.  Otherwise, faith does not contain anything living.  True charity then proceeds from faith.

Being charitable means taking delight in doing good to others without recompense.  Being allowed to do good to others is sufficient recompense.  The more charitable people are, the greater their intelligence and happiness.

Every supposed good deed of charity that is done by man for the sake of salvation or eternal life is not good but evil.  This is because man is hereby trying to save himself when only the Lord can save him!  Even worse, he is trying to save himself by doing what he thinks is a good deed, what he wants, not what the Lord wants him to do as a good deed.  When man places his own will into in, then it is cursed and not blessed.  (Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation.)

For example, going to church every Sunday and exploiting your employees the rest of the time is not true charity.  Volunteering in the soup kitchen once to make yourself feel good and look good to others is not true charity.  Forcing your employees to donate to United Way to make your corporation look charitable is not true charity.  True charity is not merit-claiming!

Also, moral charity and its civil and political benefits are not the products of faith.  Even atheists refrain from breaking laws and they will even help an old lady across the street, especially if others are watching and photographing.

True charity proceeds from faith, from loving the Lord above all else and wanting what the Lord wants.  Charity comes by conjunction with the Word and the Lord is the Word.  It is from Him.  He is in it.  Conjunction comes by voluntarily choosing the Lord and using one’s free will to act according to the Word.

If you do good from the Word, then you do it from the Lord, from His word of mouth and His will.  And if at the same time you look to Him, He will lead you, and will help you do it, through you.  Anyone who does something at the behest and will of a king will never say they do it from themselves, at their own command, or from their own will.  (Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation.)

To make matters much, much worse for Mike & Me, we experienced a lack of support from family and friends alike.  No one seemed to understand, and everyone hurt us.  We forgive them for surely they know not what they do.

Did we have children? No, we did not.  Is it because one or the other was not physically capable?  No, it is not.  Is it because we hate children?  NO!  We never had any security or stability.  There is never a good time; just do it, is what everyone always says.  But our situation was extreme.  Two science doctors trying to make it is really mission impossible.  Further, I do not believe that either one of us wanted children for selfish reasons.  Children should have a mother and a father and those parents should have something to offer their child or children, namely love, basic necessities, and enough of an uninterrupted sense of stability and security to be able to play, experience, learn carelessly, and build confidence.  Instead, between the two of us it seemed like we were always looking for work, dealing with temporary positions, moving, and many times suffering the stress of both of us being unemployed at the same time and not even being able to enjoy that time together.  We were not happy; how could we be?  We did not have children to try and solve any problems or make us happy.  No, it is not about us; it is about them.  And from a scientific standpoint of resources and pollution and climate change, I do believe that this world is overpopulated.

I recall my now long deceased father’s words at the end of my wedding video, that Mike and I shared the common goal of wanting to make the world a better place.  Then maybe we could be happy!  Not that it came easily, but we did amazing work together, whether designing new drugs, discovering PTSD biomarkers and drug targets, or fixing the kitchen sink.  Everyone is insanely jealous of our synergistic collaborations.  So we have been attacked from every angle, in the light and in the dark.

Tenacious as we are, our work products include the attached instructions for improving our economy and saving this country, entitled “Commercialization of University Research.”  By far the most important contribution born out of our union and love and the necessity of our situation is the empowerment for all entitled “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” which can easily be found on this website.

Thanks to the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” Mike is with the Lord now.  Otherwise, what can I make of my life’s work and my broken heart?

With the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” we were able to turn around before we reached the worst level of hell.  The worst level is home to those who are guilty of deliberate evil.  That is, they know better and choose evil purposely.  But don’t worry, babe, I would have gone there with you, too.  After all, I know the place well.

What changed his choice?  Was it love?  Was it the realization, finally, that there is nothing he can do to make me not love the Lord or him anymore?  That is true even though he is such a thorough experimenter and scientist.  Was the scientist finally convinced by the strength of my faith?  Maybe he is just tired of arguing with me for over two decades and is finally giving up or giving in.  But I have to believe that his light turned on.  Even the darkest soul has a light inside at its center.  Maybe I finally figured out how to make him love me – by leaving him!  Maybe everything is the way it is supposed to be…

By now it is apparent that we are soul twins, not to be confused with soul mates.

As explained by Dr. Baldwin in Spirit Releasement Therapy: A Technique Manual, twin souls or twin flames are said to be the two halves of a monad, the God created spark of spirit.  Each experiences on its own while remaining connected in consciousness.  The two will reconnect before the monad rejoins the Oneness.  In the meantime, I expect we will both be preparing for that last dance.  We are to follow separate paths of spiritual growth and, by nature of our relationship, get the job done more quickly than either could do alone.  Our purpose is not to be together in a romantic relationship, but to find each other for the spiritual work necessary during these times.  Baldwin, W.J. (2009) Spirit Releasement Therapy: A Technique Manual, Second Edition.  Terra Alta, WV: Headline Books.

Twin flames are represented well by the yin and the yang.  Each of the two partners mirrors precisely what the other lacks.  This causes intense conflict within a relationship, particularly in the context of the god complex.  He was the conqueror and I the conquered.  It worked so well until it inevitably did not anymore.

Any inability to deal well with or accept change causes immense difficulties along the path of self-realization.  Further, achievement of self-realization necessitates exploration and healing of our deepest fears, flaws, and wounds.  We have learned so much together and now it is time to separate and spread the truth which is united with good.

I will always love Mike.  I still believe in transformers who see the Light and choose the Light and do not go back.  I believe in repentance and remission (see blog post entitled, “Pierce the Veil”), and I believe in forgiveness and LOVE.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”  George Eliot

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Crazy ≠ Dumb

Cherished Readers,

I love you so much and I am always thinking about you, even when I am busy, which is always.  You motivate and inspire me and keep me going.  I hope I can make you happy.

I had planned something different for this time.  I have incredible stories to tell you that show how the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” really work.  But as fate would have it, I was rear-ended on the day that would have been my 21st wedding anniversary.  Instead of flowers or dinner or chocolate or even companionship, I got smacked in the ass by a huge pick-up truck and, when I got home, there was a notice in the mail that my divorce, or dissolution as some refer to it apparently, is final.  Wow, what a challenging day, especially for someone with PTSD.

The good news about getting divorced is that it gives you a chance to change your name.  So now my name is officially Marie Dagmar Kube, instead of Dagmar Marie Kube.  This will change my life.  No more:

“What is your name?”

“My name is Dagmar.”

“What?!”  “Huh?!”  “Where did you get a name like that?”  “What kind of a name is that?”  “What does that mean?”

or

“Mr. Dagmar Kube”

“Oh, I thought you were a man.”

“Dagman?”

or even

“Fagmar!”

Go ahead and go through the alphabet putting almost any letter in place of the “d” in “Dagmar” and see what you get; everybody does it.

I have now been hit by cars four times.  Twice I have been hit by drunk drivers, once while I was driving and once while I was a passenger.  Another time I was hit by a car while crossing the street.  And now a good smack on the hitch, which is better for the vehicle but worse for me.  Did you see how broken my back is in my picture on the homepage of this website, or were you too busy just looking at my ass?  If so, then wake up, please!

Of course I just bought this car after having saved up for it ever since I paid off my last car, a 2003 Nissan Sentra Spec V that my ex still drives.  Luckily I bought a Subaru Outback that stands up well to crashes, and luckily the guy who hit me was a very nice gentleman.  His insurance company, on the other hand, was not so nice at all.  The way that company has treated me, it is apparent that it does not realize that I am the temple of God.

“Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?”   (1 Corinthians 3:16 KJV)

The imagery of your inner light described in blog post “Pierce the Veil” on this website fits well with the above verse.  You are so special that you are the temple of God and the Spirit of God dwells in you, don’t you know?  You are to be cherished, not taken advantage of.  And that is why I worry about you and I am writing this post to warn you against potential mistreatment in this evil world, even if you are not at fault.

In case anyone gets offended, know that I forgive you and I love you anyway.  And please see the blog post entitled, “Pierce the Veil” on this website about repentance and remittance.

Maybe it is just me because I am crazy, but if you ever get rear-ended, through no fault of your own, and then receive a letter like this from the at-fault driver’s insurance company, then I would say get a lawyer or, if you are unemployed like me, be a lawyer.  These days, though, in the United States of America, you will need to hire a lawyer to force the insurance company to pay for damage done, even if it is not your fault.  The insurance companies have resorted to every trick in the book to avoid paying claims, apparently.  You uphold your end of the bargain, in fact you are forced to pay for car insurance by law, but the insurance companies renege.

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I want what the Lord wants, and I just cannot believe that the Lord wants me or any one of us to be treated this way, namely guilty until proven innocent.  How did things get so turned around?

Please do not sign anything like this.  And please do not sign anything you have not read and understood and agreed with.  I personally cross things out that I disagree with and refuse to sign things I disagree with whenever possible.  Also, I never give out my social security number, especially not to any company as adversarial as this!  And can you believe this document asks you to waive laws, regulations, and rules of ethics?  How can that be legal?

What in the world could a psychiatric and psychological report and information have to do with me being rear-ended?  It was not my fault!  How is this not discrimination and bullying?  And just because somebody hits me, an adversarial insurance company should get access to ANY INFORMATION CONCERNING MY PHYSICAL, MEDICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, OR PSYCHIATRIC HISTORY, CONDITION, OR TREATMENT?  That is draconian.

I have been asked several different times now to describe the accident in detail.  I always say “no way.”  Right after the accident, the at-fault driver and I pulled over.  Now who are you going to call, ghost busters?  You bet!  See the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition.”

I called my insurance company.  Both the at-fault driver and I spoke to my insurance company together to report the accident until there were no more questions.  Forever after I refer to that singular report.  Generation of any additional report(s) is not necessary and will probably result in some discrepancies between different reports that can be used against you.  Further, it seems to me that details can be less accurate the more time passes after the accident, so I stick with that initial report.

Luckily my sister, Gunda (sounds feminine at least), assured me that the damage to my brand new car is hardly noticeable.  Even better, she took me out for a mezcalrita, which did the trick to console me.  That is what sisters are for!  I love you!

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la flaca y la gordita, the superstar