When I started blogging about two and a half years ago, I declared myself a live, on-demand writer who would write in response to the interest of most of my readers first. I have written about a lot of different topics because I have a lot of education and experience working my ass off that is considered privilege which I am trying to donate. Persecuted for being honest and good, perhaps the saddest part of the story is that those we’ve stood up for do not even appreciate it. Divide and conquer, the policy of maintaining control over people by encouraging dissent between them, has really worked well for those who have the money = power.
But of all the topics I have written about, you still want to know more about me. How am I? What am I doing? What am I going to do? Have I gotten anything?
You never cease to surprise me, beloved readers. You have shaped my works in ways I could never have imagined, which is a reason why blogging has made my life better. I know most of you want to know if I have found a way to make it as a writer yet. Because if so then you think that you too are going to make it by saying what you want to say and getting away with it. But in reality, a writer is someone who has something to say and the conviction and ability to say it. What qualifies as something to say is something that is worth writing home about, something true and good.
For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10).
As promised, I will at least try to answer your tough questions.
When I was about 20 years old, I remember stumbling out of the science building one night unwillingly high on solvent fumes after teaching organic chemistry laboratory at the university where I was also a student. Working as a teaching assistant was one of several part-time jobs that I juggled to pay my way through school. I worked as a busboy cleaning tables for waitresses until I turned 21 years of age and could serve alcohol myself. I even worked on the team that catered one of George H. W. Bush’s fundraisers on his path to becoming president of the USA. Attendees paid $2,000 a plate, consisting of various hors d’oeuvres. Cheryl Tiegs was there, and I served her champagne. George gave his speech about the “haves” and the “have nots” and keeping it that way. I could not believe that he could talk that way while I was standing right there!
It was about 10 pm by the time I left the university at night and then I had to walk about 20 minutes to where I parked my car behind some old warehouse buildings. The car wouldn’t start because it needed a new starter and I did not have an extra $60. I found an abandoned concrete loading ramp that must have outlived the warehouse it was once attached to on the outskirts of campus. I backed up the ramp each morning and left the car parked there at the top. At night, I had once chance to clutch-start the car so that I could drive home. This went on for months.
When I got outside that night, I looked up at the clear sky from my vantage point in the mile-high city. The stars were stunning. I could see each one shining brightly against the dark night. I threw my head back and cried,
“What the @#&%, God?!”
My life was too hard. I was too stressed out. Too many bad things had happened to me already and I just couldn’t catch a break. I felt like I couldn’t go on. Why was God so angry at me?
“Yes, your life is a tragedy. But you will have love,” God replied.
After 8 more years of suffering and sacrifice, I finally married the love of my life. And everything went wrong all over again. To get an idea how dishonest science and medicine have become, you can read the stories Medical Mold (https://myspiritualassociation.com/2017/05/12/medical-mold/) and Eugenics Therapy (https://myspiritualassociation.com/2017/07/13/eugenics-therapy/).
My ex-husband, Michael, and I were in the science part of S.T.E.M. = Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. A major take-home message from decades of our combined experience is the following: the jobs must be independent of political and business systems or it doesn’t work. Otherwise, STEM can stand for Satan the Evil Mother@#&%_*!
Even within the field of science, you must be privileged to have an assessment of your leadership competencies and weaknesses. Don’t get me wrong — I was never selected as a candidate for leadership; I just know white males who were. Anyway, this stuff should be taught in high school and, as I mentioned, I am trying to donate whatever privilege you think I have. So, I can tell you that the DiSC® model is used to understand the psychological forces that drive people beneath the surface.
I highly recommend “The 8 Dimensions of Leadership, DiSC® Strategies for Becoming a Better Leader” by Sugerman, J. et al., Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., Oakland, CA, 2011.
The idea is that great leadership needed to successfully deal with complex challenges requires a wide range of competencies and relationship skills. In “The 8 Dimensions of Leadership Model,” the key leadership dimensions are Pioneering, Energizing, Affirming, Inclusive, Humble, Deliberate, Resolute, and Commanding. When the data points describing the meaning of these concepts are compared mathematically, they form a circular relationship that is non-hierarchical and nonsequential. A leader has a natural home on the circle but can change to another leadership style as the situation demands, in theory at least. The book helps you gain a deeper understanding of the psychology behind both your strengths and challenges and provides leadership lessons designed to help you personally to grow as a leader.
Reading the book, you recognize your leadership style right away. I am an Affirming leader – relationship-oriented, empathetic, forgiving. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My mission in life is to belong and be accepted. I have difficulty holding people accountable. So, I started blogging.
My ex-husband is a Resolute leader, which is exactly opposite of Affirming on the west-east axis of the circle of leadership dimensions. On the eastern side of this axis are dimensions featuring more warm and accepting behaviors. On the western side are dimensions featuring more skeptical and questioning tendencies. Together, Michael and I had it all, which led to impressive accomplishments, though not necessarily happiness.
Too much ugliness got between us for our marriage to survive. For example, you can read about how the supposedly best medical care in the world tortured me for 20 years and ruined my marriage at https://myspiritualassociation.com/2017/10/07/three-centimeter-incision/. Both Michael and I should have a fresh start. Especially with my PTSD, it is not fair to him or me to be constantly reminded of and triggered by this tragedy. In the song Hotel California by the Eagles, there is a line that says some dance to remember, some dance to forget. I just want to dance to forget. And Michael is so many things, but not a dancer, at least not yet.
My ex-husband teaches biology at a community college. I was raped by my white male teacher when I was 15 years old. When my ex comes home from long days of work where he is responsible for the safety of a laboratory over-full of students and must watch what everyone is doing for hours at a time and explain things in excruciating detail, it takes him awhile to get out of “teacher mode.” And “teacher mode” triggers me. I know that my ex is one of the most competent, most dedicated and least racist teachers who is good for the students. But it’s not good for my PTSD as I need to be with someone who is not a teacher and will never treat me as his student. I understand that it is hard to switch out of work mode instantly upon arrival at home. This is just another example where forced alternative careers for scientists are not good for the people. Those who have the money and power are treating us like robots.
In effort to become a better leader by taking responsibility for problems that plague my team, I tried to regain my independence after divorcing my husband. But I was too disabled, and my support system was too weak. Now that I am getting much better, I am looking for a job in Michigan, USA because they have legalized marijuana and I believe I have a better chance to dance there. I know the economy sucks and there aren’t enough jobs and even if there were, I wouldn’t get one because I am too honest.
Nevertheless, I believe there is something for me or I would not be here, especially after all I have been through.
So, what am I doing? I am doing all that I can do, e.g., writing, research and development, project management, troubleshooting, advocating for basic human rights. For example, the report entitled Understanding and Surviving PTSD: A Real Story can really help people and change things for the better (https://myspiritualassociation.com/2018/12/30/understanding-and-surviving-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-a-real-story/). Therefore, Michael and I went to Chicago over winter break to make the zine available at Quimby’s Bookstore (https://myspiritualconnection.org/2019/01/18/new-zine-available-at-quimbys-bookstore/). I have included pictures here from our trip to Chicago after the holidays at the beginning of the week when the nightclubs were closed and a room at the Robey was about half the price it would be on the weekend of the Chicago Zine Fest, when we will be staying elsewhere. As you can see, the Robey is amazing! Walking from the Robey to the lake, we came across a beautiful church of Saint Michael the Archangel. We did our best to spiritually cleanse anything unhealthy, unhappy or nonconsensual.
So, if you want to be like me, then you will be happy to know that I am not homeless, but home insecure now. I signed up for a Zumba! class that was cancelled due to cold so far. But then the cold is the reason I need a way to exercise indoors! I got put on the waitlist for the Omaha Zine Fest! I thanked them for their consideration and asked to be removed from their first come, first served waitlist that is not good for people like me with PTSD. Besides, why would people spend a month getting others to apply for an annual event only to spend two more weeks selecting participants from too many applicants? That is certainly not my idea of a free press.
Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it (Mark 8:34-35 KJV).
Lots of Love,