Quimby’s Bookstore

Quimby’s Bookstore has Marie Kube’s books and zines!

Dearest Readers,

Quimby’s Bookstore has our books and zines for sale now! Quimby’s Bookstore sells the most progressive, forward-thinking publications. Please stop by Quimby’s and ask for Marie Kube’s books. Our goal is to offer our books for sale at bookstores for the same price or much less than on amazon.com online. This is because I have a special understanding of the need for independent bookstores since my grandfather owned a bookstore in Berlin, Germany that was destroyed in World War II.

Please visit Quimby’s Bookstore at:
1854 West North Avenue
Chicago, IL 60622
(773)342-0910
http://www.quimbys.com

“Unusual publications, aberrant periodicals, saucy comic books, assorted fancies…plus tons o’ zines”

And if you are in the Detroit, Michigan metro area, then you can also find our books for sale at the Book Beat in Oak Park, Michigan (click here for more information).

Thank you for your support!

Love,
Marie

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Three Centimeter Incision

WARNING:  This story contains graphic descriptions of medical procedures gone wrong!

Most Intimate Reader,

Most people get PTSD from an event.  It was the circumstances around the second surgery on my right Bartholin gland cyst that caused my nervous breakdown and the biggest challenge I have faced yet in my quest to survive and make this world a better place.

Sure, I got drugged and raped starting when I was 15 until I got married at 28 years old.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one.  Sure, I got beat up by a gang of kids in grade school and ended up with a concussion.  That’s typical.  Sure, I got beat up by the first boyfriend I lived with when I was 18 years old.  It was so bad that the police came, thankfully.  It happens all the time.  Sure, I was impregnated against my will when I couldn’t even take care of myself let alone a baby, and he paid for the abortion.  Again, I am far from alone in that hell.  Sure, I got laid off, along with myriad others.  Sure, I woke up during my hysterectomy because they had to yank so hard to get my uterus out it was so riddled with fibroids after they waited too long and let me bleed until I was anemic before they finally removed it.  But it was the circumstances around the 3-cm incision in my vaginal mucosa years later that really pushed me over the edge and ended my marriage.

When I finally got together with the Archangel Michael himself, I fell so madly in love with him that I stayed with him and only him for 20 years.  Extreme circumstances finally broke us apart, and that’s what this story is about.

When Michael and I started dating, neither of us had had enough sex for way too long.  We, therefore, had a lot of sex together for extended periods of time.  He was a bicyclist and I was a dancer.  Even though Michael was quite ill and had profuse sweating and gastrointestinal distress, we managed to have as much sex as two graduate students could have, which was a lot for such a young and physically fit couple.

Just as Michael was becoming too ill to sustain our active sex life, I woke up more than a little sore after sex the night before.  In fact, it hurt to walk.  I went to the student health center on campus.  The doctor examined me and told me to drive myself directly to the hospital where he would meet me to perform surgery to save my life.

“But I have a final exam,” I informed him.

“You’re not going to be taking any exams today,” he assured me.

We didn’t have cell phones in those days, but I was able to leave a message for Michael with the technician in the laboratory where he worked.   

As graduate students, we did not have health insurance, for all practical purposes.  I remember the burden of paying a mandatory $300/year fee (that was a lot of money in the 1990’s), but that fee only covered the part where I saw the doctor on campus and he told me to drive myself to the hospital, which I did.  He met me there and he, or his resident (trainee), performed an incision and drainage of my right Bartholin gland cyst.  Michael showed up just as they were taking me into surgery, and I loved him even more. 

Have you never heard of a Bartholin gland before?  Well, don’t feel bad because neither had we and we were graduate students working on our PhD degrees, and Michael had already completed the first half of medical school and passed the boards.   

Bartholin glands were first described in the 17th century by the Danish anatomist Caspar Bartholin the Younger (1655-1738).  The Bartholin glands are two pea sized glands located slightly posterior and to the left and right of the opening of the vagina.  Bartholin glands secrete relatively minute amounts of fluid when a woman is sexually aroused.  The fluid may slightly moisten the labial opening of the vagina, serving to make contact with this sensitive area more comfortable.  It is possible for the Bartholin glands to become blocked and inflamed resulting in pain.  This is known as a Bartholin gland cyst.  A Bartholin cyst in turn can become infected and form an abscess.  Marsupialization is the surgical technique of cutting a slit into an abscess or cyst and suturing the edges of the slit to form a continuous surface from the exterior surface to the interior surface of the cyst or abscess.  Sutured in this fashion, the site remains open and can drain freely.  This technique is used to treat a cyst or abscess when a single draining would not be effective and complete removal of the surrounding structure would not be desirable.  Wikipedia 

What I am trying to explain is that I sustained a life-threatening injury from sex due to the nature of his anatomy together with mine necessitating special care and extra lubrication, especially during prolonged sexual activity.  We rubbed each other the wrong way, you could say. 

We had no idea. 

The surgeon gave me a special deal of only $500 to pay for the surgery, since he had a penchant for dedicated graduate students like me or felt sorry for me, however you want to look at it. 

I soaked in the bathtub, refrained from sex, and took care of my wound until it was all healed up.  I arranged to make up my final exam and I got an A+.  I married the love of my life.  Everything was fine, or so I thought. 

What the surgeon only told Michael and not me is that all of the cyst could not be removed.  It would inevitably, eventually become inflamed and infected once again and require another surgery once we had enough sex to irritate the gland again sufficiently so that the remaining cyst could be visualized and removed.   

Maybe Michael tried to tell me what the surgeon had told him, but my mind rejected the horror.  We lived under the threat of irritating my gland forever after.  It hurt, it was sore, it was festering.  We would wait for the angry gland to settle down before having sex again.  Sometimes we waited a long time.   

It was 20 years before I had to have the second surgery of my right Bartholin gland cyst.  My gland finally got taken care of for good, but in the process, I ended up with a whole new problem:  PTSD.  It’s like taking your car to a crooked mechanic who fixes one thing and breaks another to make sure you’ll be back soon, especially if you are a girl, and even more especially if you are a cute girl.   

Once a Bartholin gland cyst gets really bad, it gets really bad.  You cannot even imagine so much pain in the part of your body that’s the most sensitive and intimate.  We went to the emergency room after speaking with representatives of our insurance company, the state employee group insurance program.  We also spoke with a representative of our insurance company’s preferred provider.  We asked them to send us to a hospital where we could have same-day surgery.  Instead, they sent us to the hospital with all the homeless people loitering around in downtown Saint Paul, Minnesota.   

I was violated in the emergency room (ER) after they forced Michael to leave the room so I could be questioned about rape.  At the same time, the ER doctor shoved a speculum into my inflamed vagina, pressing the cold steel hard against the painful cyst on the right side.  Then he torqued the handles to open my vagina up wide.  I didn’t give him the satisfaction of screaming, even after he poked and prodded around in there just to make sure I understood exactly how much medical doctors hate philosophical doctors.   

Even though we requested same-day surgery, the ER doctor treated me like a drug-seeker.  He refused to prescribe me morphine, even though they would make me wait 10 days for the surgery.  Michael and I both thought the cyst was way larger than the ER doctor claimed it was.  Perhaps he did so in order to justify the wait while I had to take antibiotics to see if the cyst would go away.  I wonder if the doctors get paid a bonus based on how well the healthcare organization does financially? 

The ER doctor told me there was no such thing as morphine that was not tainted with acetaminophen.  I told him I discovered drugs at pharmaceutical companies and of course there were pills that were only morphine, without acetaminophen.  I cannot tolerate acetaminophen because it is very damaging to the liver.  But he refused to prescribe me morphine and would only prescribe morphine tainted with acetaminophen.   

During the 10-day waiting period, I quickly became so desperate that I took the prescribed morphine poisoned with acetaminophen.  Then I suffered from liver poisoning, with nausea and vomiting, for days afterwards on top of the already unbearable condition I was in.   

After 10 torturous days, Michael drove me to the hospital for my surgery.  He had to work.  I had to wait all day and then a different surgeon finally showed up because the one who was going to do my surgery was sick that day. 

Description of operation:

Patient was met preoperatively (for the first time).  Consent was signed.  She was taken to the OR where satisfactory anesthesia was established.  She was placed in dorsal lithotomy position using Allen stirrups ensuring proper positioning and cushioning.  A time out was performed. 

A 3-cm incision was made in the vaginal mucosa down to where the cyst was.  The cyst was incised and straw colored thick clear fluid was noted.  A culture was obtained.  The cyst was then irrigated with betadine and normal saline.  A small piece of the cyst wall was sutured to the vaginal mucosa with interrupted 4.0 vicryl.  Approximately 8 stitches were placed.  The site was noted to be hemostatic.  The procedure was then completed. 

There were no surgical or anesthetic complications. 

When I awoke from the surgery, I had difficulty talking because my lip and tongue were so swollen from being bit so hard during the surgery because it was so incredibly painful even under full anesthesia.  The surgeon did not even talk to me afterwards.  The nurse told me she had had a Bartholin gland cyst, too.  Michael took me home.   

During the follow up visit with the surgeon who was originally scheduled to perform the surgery but didn’t because she was sick that day, she shoved her finger deep and hard into my wound while saying to me that maybe I could at least refrain from having sex for the next two weeks.  Almost two years later now, it still hurts when I think about it.  She also emphasized nastily to me that it was two different cysts, not the same one for 20 years, although that is so rare, even by her own admission.  It seemed like she was bullying me because they were so afraid of a lawsuit about this case.  Now that’s hitting below the belt! 

From the perspective of a PhD, who trained even longer than MDs and worked more hours for less pay and no job security, it seems like what doctors really care about is their large incomes and any threats to them, like malpractice lawsuits.  They don’t really care about you so much.  If they do, then why don’t other medical care practitioners who have as much life-or-death decision-making responsibility get paid almost as much?  Or maybe it is the ability to perform emergency work under pressure, in which case it is not understandable that first responders get paid so little or are even volunteers, especially when they are putting their own lives at risk far more than virtually all doctors.   

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD not long after the surgery, no one believed it, least of all me.  I thought I was being insulted, as usual.  I was shamed and blamed.  I thought, see, I’m fine.  I started reading the literature to prove them wrong and eventually had to face up to the fact that I do have PTSD.  I was badly injured.  I needed help for the first time in my life.  That was perhaps the hardest part for me, especially since the only one who ultimately could or would help me, Michael, was the last person I wanted to be dependent on because he was a primary trigger of my PTSD! 

It has been rough, to say the least.  People with PTSD kill themselves every day because it is so unbearable.  I have stayed alive because I believe that consciousness survives physical death.  Death would, therefore, take away only the physical pain and not the mental anguish.  I decided that the way out is the way through.  It’s working!  I am just fine and can still enjoy sex just fine, too, thank you! 

I believe I am still alive because I love God above all, because Michael and I are doctors, because our love is true, and because of dancing.  I am also alive because medical marijuana is so helpful for PTSD as well as chronic pain, especially pain with underlying neuropathy, which I also suffer from after being hit by too many cars and drunk drivers.  I was t-boned one Christmas, I was hit by a speeding vehicle and knocked into the air while walking across the street in Basel, I was rear-ended by a drunk and drugged driver in Brooklyn Park and again by an antique driver in Denver, none of which was my fault!  I found chiropractors (even a specialist in PTSD), physical therapists and massage therapists who help immensely.  You can check my first blog post for more advice about how to survive PTSD.   

Mary is free of original sin because of immaculate conception but still must deal with all the same temptations of this evil world as everybody else.  I need a savior as much as anyone or even more. 

Thanks for reading my story.  May God bless you. 

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Sexy Miami Beach – Florida Keys Pictures

Blessed Mary turns 50!

My Dearest Readers,

Enjoy Southern Florida while it lasts (before it is immersed in the rising ocean waters)!  I know I did!  Here are some pictures from my 50th birthday in sexy Southern Florida (plus one of my ballet pictures from a long time ago).

Marie Ballerina on Toes scanned at 300 jpeg

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If you liked these sexy pictures, then you will love my new book, “Sexiest at 50: PTSD PhD Marie” with even more sexy pictures now available on amazon.com: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1974551415/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_P8yNzb3X1E93Q

I love you!

Scenes from Mexico City 2016, Our Lady of Guadalupe Day and Night

Merry Christmas,

  • Albania, Algeria, Antigua & Barbuda, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bermuda, Brazil, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cyprus, Denmark, Egypt, Estonia, European Union, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Honduras, Hong Kong SAR China, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Norway, Pakistan, Paraguay, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Thailand, Trinidad & Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Kingdom, United States of America, Vietnam, and Zambia,

All are welcome, always. As readers from more countries join, you will always be welcome.

The Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe celebrates me, Mary, or Marie in Europe, the mother of God. The main event in Mexico City, Mexico, occurs at midnight just between December 11 and December 12. That is because a miracle occurred here on December 12, 1531, 485 years ago. My beloved Mexican people keep the faith strong by making the pilgrimage to Mexico City each and every year, faithfully, to see an image of me from 485 years ago left on the cloak, or tilma, of a peasant named Juan Diego. Millions of believers do not sleep at midnight on December 11; they wait for December 12.

It certainly was an historic event this year of 2016 as I was present, incarnated here on this earth in the body of a German-American woman, yet not at all unlike that image of Our Lady of Guadalupe worth billions. Even better, the Mexican people realize that Mary has appeared all over the world and is not necessarily Mexican.

Thanks to Francisco, bless you, I was present at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe on the afternoon of December 11, 2016, leading up to the main event. This place has at least 20 million annual visitors, especially around 12 December.

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We moseyed our way along for hours with the masses after finding a place to park (good luck!).

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Francisco was so patient and pleasant the whole time because he is a believer and understands that there was nothing more important at that time. I am so grateful.

The new Basilica (1976) houses the original tilma, or cloak, of Juan Diego, which holds an image of me when I was here 485 years ago. I first appeared to a Mexican peasant named Juan Diego on December 9, 1531, on a hill northwest of Mexico City called Tepeyac. I identified myself to him as the mother of God and he believed me. I asked Juan Diego to have the bishop build me a little house, a casita, on the hill. I told him that there I would hear the weeping of my people and feel their sorrows so that I could help the Lord to remedy and alleviate their multiple sufferings, necessities, and misfortunes. And this is exactly what is happening right now.

But the bishop did not believe Juan Diego. So Juan Diego returned to his field where again I appeared to him with the same message. The second time Juan Diego went to the bishop, on December 10, the bishop asked for a miraculous sign. I agreed to provide one on the following day, December 11, but Juan Diego failed to meet me because he was obliged to attend to his ill uncle. In the very early hours of December 12, when Juan Diego hurried out to fetch a priest for fear his uncle was dying, he went around the hill to try and avoid me because he did not want to be delayed and because he felt ashamed that he had stood me up. When I intercepted him and he explained what had happened, I chided him gently for not coming to me.

¿No estoy yo aquí que soy tu madre?

Am I not here, I who am your mother?

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I told him that his uncle would be fine and that he should gather flowers at the top of the hill. Miraculously, Juan Diego found roses blooming on the hill in December, and I arranged the flowers in his tilma. A tilma is an indigenous cape that may be made of agave popotule fiber from the ixtle plant. The tilma should have deteriorated long ago but shows no sign of decay after over 485 years.

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By the way, this story is described in the Nican Mopohua, a 16th century document written in the native Nahuatl language.

When Juan Diego opened his tilma before archbishop Zumarraga on December 12, the flowers fell to the floor and my image was there on the inside of the cloak.

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Why did I appear to a peasant? Because God always chooses the people the world rejects.

Meet Emilio. Emilio is super smart, and when I asked him if I could have his picture, he said I had to be in it, too. How could I say no? My Spanish is not that great, but I am pretty sure he said that he had studied astronomy. Nevertheless, they would not give him a job. Further, if my understanding is correct, he is now studying law. I know I would love to work with you, Emilio. I enjoyed our conversation, and I do hope that my understanding is correct. If not, just let me know.

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Angel lost both legs in an electrical accident. Less regulation does result in more accidents. Yes, his name is really Angel, and he looks like one, too, so beautiful.

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I am rightfully seen, at least in Mexico, as the champion of all those who lack power in society. The more disparities exist in economic and political power, the more relevant I become. In the modern day, you can see that I have and that I do stand against oppression, declaring independence. My story is inextricably linked with indigenous people who survive despite racism and stereotypes. Note that the average genetic composition of people from Mexico City is 65% Native American, 31% European, and 3% African (Wikipedia).

I was also present at the Basilica during the main event at midnight. I found people sleeping in the street. I thought about staying with them, but it was not the right thing for me.

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Miguel Sanchez, the author of the 1648 tract Imagen de la Virgen María, described me correctly as the Woman of the Apocalypse from the New Testament’s Revelation 12:1, “clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:” (Wikipedia).

The angel supporting me is the Archangel Michael.

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What better time than Christmas to reflect on the truth that the Lord did not take away our sins by suffering the death of the cross? The Lord bore sins and represented sins and pointed them out. Why? The Lord came into the world to make salvation possible for man. How? By remission of sins after repentance.

The Lord removes sins from those who believe in the Lord and who live in accordance with the Lord’s commandments.

Repentance means seeing one’s sins, praying to the Lord for help and refraining from sinning any more thanks to the Lord’s help. Only by repentance can sins be taken away. And when he has done the work of repentance, then may salvation be awarded him by the Lord.

That is, salvation is awarded to him who has seen and acknowledged his sins and who desists from them by virtue of being in the good of love and in the truth of faith from the Lord. Regeneration is a washing from sins, a spiritual washing, a baptism.

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More and more I am asked how one can build one’s faith, one’s connection to our Lord? The answer is by serving others, non-merit-seeking acts of charity.

In John, we learn that the Lord is the Word (1:1, 14); that He is the Truth (14:6); and that He is the Light, and so Enlightenment (12:34-36). God is omnipresent, what is holy proceeds from God (for thou only art holy (Revelation 15:4)), and where God is received God enlightens.

We are coming a long way, Lord, from hundreds of gods to the realization, finally, that the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit is all one thing!

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Love, Marie

Weaning Ourselves from Fossil Fuels

Use what’s left to wean ourselves off.

Most Respected Readers,

The remaining fossil fuels are best used to wean ourselves from fossil fuels and transition to sustainable living.  In fact, we are already behind.  So please do something.  For example, you can bicycle more and drive less, wear a sweater and keep the heat turned down, compost more and throw away less, buy local and organic and sustainable products, do some gardening to grow a little or even a lot of your own food, use and invest in renewable energy systems and so much more.  I hope my video will inspire you!

 

Sun Salutations

Yoga is a Great Way to Start the Day

I love to start the day with three sun salutations.  I ask the Lord how I can serve today.  I try to listen well for the answer.  I recognize the warmth and love and light of the Lord.  When I hear the answer, I try not to complain or protest or claim that it is impossible or that I cannot do it or that I am not worthy or capable or competent, but I struggle.  In the end, I want what the Lord wants so badly that I have no choice but to comply.  And then I praise the Lord and love the Lord even more.  In the morning the sun comes up and the cycle repeats.

 

Mike and Me

How the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” really work.

Beloved Readers,

What would I do without you?  I would certainly perish.

I know you want to know what happened to my perfect marriage and my perfect life that everyone thought they were so jealous of.  Since I am now divorced, I know you wonder what man could be good enough for me.  I have no idea how I can possibly explain it to you when I cannot even comprehend it myself.  But as my sister the special education teacher says, we have to at least make an effort.  So here goes…

My mother always told me that there is a lid for every pot, and that even odd-shaped pots have a lid.  Since she was used to cooking at altitude, it does stand to reason that she could really appreciate the necessity of a lid.

So I could never understand how people could get divorced after 20 years of marriage.  It always bothered me especially, almost as if I somehow knew deep down inside that it would happen to me someday.

My ex-husband, Mike, and I have been through too much together – a parade of horrors, really.  We have felt each other since we were little children.  When he visited my state in the summertime, it was especially turbulent for both of us, even though we never saw each other until much, much later.

I was on a crazed path to find him.  After college, I moved to another state by myself and, after three years of working as a chemist, started graduate school in biology.  It was in the midst of my graduate program that I finally found my destiny, or rather was introduced to him.  And that is when the real trouble started.

We got set up to meet at a Halloween party of a mutual friend on whom the inevitable was not lost either.  Of course my future husband would have had to try hard to make a worse first impression.  When I finally asked him out to lunch before I left the party, he said no.  Yet I found myself leaving some guy in a hot tub the moment Mike summoned me because that is how connected we are.  And that is what it took to goad him because that is how we used to be in the past.

Sadly, Mike was almost dead when I met him, and no doctor could figure out what was wrong.  I fell in love with him.  I believed in him.  And sure enough, he figured out that the sick buildings were making all of us sick.  He thought the unthinkable, and he was right.

He took me to the laboratory where he was doing his research.  He was growing heart cells in a circular plastic dish.  He showed me under the microscope how he had nurtured them so well that they were beating rhythmically all together.  I thought I saw grace.  I realized I was not breathing.  Although the heart is linked to emotions and virtues, such as love and courage, it is actually a muscular pump.

I thought Mike was cool because he was dating a black woman.  My previous fiancé wanted nothing more to do with me once he found out I had been with a black man (well, two black men actually, but who is counting?).  I wanted nothing more to do with him, either, and was sorry I didn’t mention it earlier.  But of course he broke my heart, too, and I still love him, too.  Anyway, I was so relieved to know that at least I would not have that problem with Mike because Mike at least understood that not-white is right.

Diversity is a species-preserving mechanism.  You see, the only thing that does not change is that things change.  If we are all the same, then when things change, we all die.  As a species, we have to be ready for anything.  We are all in this together, especially now with climate change.

“You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:18).

As can clearly be seen from the above, racism is against the Word and therefore against the Lord.  Racism is also biologically incorrect since inbreeding (mating of closely related individuals) leads to decreased biological fitness of a population by increasing chances of offspring being affected by deleterious recessive traits.  Wikipedia

When Mike and I went to get our marriage license, we were told no.  “We don’t marry cousins here!” she despicably announced to us in front of everyone.  For one of our anniversaries, our mothers and sisters collaborated to send us side-by-side framed pictures of us as first graders.  Indeed, everyone thought those were our kids.  Yet our whole world put Mike & Me together just like Flowers in the Attic.  Rather than respecting God’s creation, this evil world destroys love by trying to dictate it.

I finally crashed my spaceship into Mike’s.  It was well beyond attraction.  It was more of a recognition.  A recognition of a shared destiny no matter what.  It was out of this world, very, very far out.

I nursed him back to health so that we could make the world a better place together.  I thought he would either get better or die.  Who knew those were not the only two options?

My husband bought into biomedical atheism where he chose science in the God vs. science debate.  Whether it was caused by or the cause of his atheism I don’t know, but he also developed the god complex.  The god complex is a serious potential pitfall for the super smart that will almost certainly be exacerbated by medical school brainwashing.

A person with a god complex may refuse to admit the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of irrefutable evidence, intractable problems or impossible tasks.  The person is also highly dogmatic in their views, meaning the person speaks of their personal opinions as though they are unquestionably correct.  Someone with a god complex may exhibit no regard for the conventions and demands of society, and may request special consideration or privileges.  Wikipedia

God complex has also been described as a belief that one is a god.  My husband developed so much pride in his own intelligence that he did not need the Lord.  His good looks made it all even worse.  When you get to where you can, you find that you are either believing in God or you are playing God.  And when people play God, atrocities happen.

As I tried to explain in my first blog post, I attribute most of my most important wisdom to the fact that I am a whore.  So trust me when I tell you that what they teach white men in fraternities and medical school and the military (is there a difference fundamentally?) is that you can control people by treating them like shit and breaking them down.  And if you are successful at it, people admire you and try to emulate you.  And if you are not successful at it but you are rich, then you can buy an army and lots of publicity to force your will on the masses.  You just have to instantaneously put yourself above any other person you meet no matter what.  Be condescending, look down at them, scoff a lot, use your body posture in a dominating and sexist manner, especially if you look good.  Blame them for everything, make them responsible for everything but powerless, take all the credit and project all of your anxieties and insecurities on them and act like they are theirs.  Look how well it has worked and is working, especially on the nice people!

If you are afraid of losing a beautiful woman, the above tactics can be incredibly useful as well.  The way you treat her makes her feel like shit and she believes it is all her fault.  She is not beautiful because she does not feel beautiful because she is not treated as a beauty.

The sword becomes the shield as pride is used for protection against bullying and attack in this evil world.  Really this is just evil propagating more evil: “When pride comes, then comes shame: but with the lowly is wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).

Mike proceeded to drag me deep into hell with him and I let him.  I let him, I never let go, I endured an inhuman amount of pain because I love him that much.  My trip through hell has been physical as well as spiritual and looks a lot like Dante’s:

Living with someone who did not accept Christ was a hopeless life confined to nothing more than rational minds can conceive, which in the absence of the Lord is nothing more than wicked plots.  The emptiness of a life devoid of spirituality leads to greed for material possessions that, in turn, can lead to being ensnared in the “more is never enough” trap.  The power of lust to blow one about needlessly and aimlessly was no stranger to me.  The cold, selfish and empty sensuality of his life resulted in the anger or sulkiness that can find no joy in God or wife or the universe.  Frustration and desperation led to exploitation and the feeding of a vicious, negative cycle.  What really convinced me, as a scientist, is that things went wrong 100% of the time, which is a statistical impossibility.  Even by chance alone, things should only go horribly wrong 50% of the time.

Looking back, it seems unfathomable, really.  No way was I going to let go, though.  Oh no, I was going to drag both of our asses back out of hell instead of succumbing or ditching him.  That is what unconditional, seemingly unrequited love is.  What love could rival that?  And yeah, we both got hurt badly in the process.  That doesn’t kill our love, though, only the way we have to live moving forward.

He always said that he loved me and I believed him until I could not believe him anymore because he could not show me love no matter what I did.  I could not make him happy, in spite of my huge imagination and all the things I tried over more than 20 years.

Loving someone without being able to show them love is like having faith yet being unable to perform charity.  Those who believe that faith alone will be enough for salvation have misunderstood Paul’s statement in Romans 3:28, that “Man is justified by faith without the works of the Law.”  Paul meant the works of the Mosaic law which was for the Jews.  This may clearly be seen from Paul’s words to Peter, “Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law” (Gal 2:14-16).  Also, he distinguishes between the law of faith and the law of works, or deeds (see Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation).

Do the work of repentance and look to the Lord and you will have faith.  Otherwise, faith does not contain anything living.  True charity then proceeds from faith.

Being charitable means taking delight in doing good to others without recompense.  Being allowed to do good to others is sufficient recompense.  The more charitable people are, the greater their intelligence and happiness.

Every supposed good deed of charity that is done by man for the sake of salvation or eternal life is not good but evil.  This is because man is hereby trying to save himself when only the Lord can save him!  Even worse, he is trying to save himself by doing what he thinks is a good deed, what he wants, not what the Lord wants him to do as a good deed.  When man places his own will into in, then it is cursed and not blessed.  (Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation.)

For example, going to church every Sunday and exploiting your employees the rest of the time is not true charity.  Volunteering in the soup kitchen once to make yourself feel good and look good to others is not true charity.  Forcing your employees to donate to United Way to make your corporation look charitable is not true charity.  True charity is not merit-claiming!

Also, moral charity and its civil and political benefits are not the products of faith.  Even atheists refrain from breaking laws and they will even help an old lady across the street, especially if others are watching and photographing.

True charity proceeds from faith, from loving the Lord above all else and wanting what the Lord wants.  Charity comes by conjunction with the Word and the Lord is the Word.  It is from Him.  He is in it.  Conjunction comes by voluntarily choosing the Lord and using one’s free will to act according to the Word.

If you do good from the Word, then you do it from the Lord, from His word of mouth and His will.  And if at the same time you look to Him, He will lead you, and will help you do it, through you.  Anyone who does something at the behest and will of a king will never say they do it from themselves, at their own command, or from their own will.  (Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation.)

To make matters much, much worse for Mike & Me, we experienced a lack of support from family and friends alike.  No one seemed to understand, and everyone hurt us.  We forgive them for surely they know not what they do.

Did we have children? No, we did not.  Is it because one or the other was not physically capable?  No, it is not.  Is it because we hate children?  NO!  We never had any security or stability.  There is never a good time; just do it, is what everyone always says.  But our situation was extreme.  Two science doctors trying to make it is really mission impossible.  Further, I do not believe that either one of us wanted children for selfish reasons.  Children should have a mother and a father and those parents should have something to offer their child or children, namely love, basic necessities, and enough of an uninterrupted sense of stability and security to be able to play, experience, learn carelessly, and build confidence.  Instead, between the two of us it seemed like we were always looking for work, dealing with temporary positions, moving, and many times suffering the stress of both of us being unemployed at the same time and not even being able to enjoy that time together.  We were not happy; how could we be?  We did not have children to try and solve any problems or make us happy.  No, it is not about us; it is about them.  And from a scientific standpoint of resources and pollution and climate change, I do believe that this world is overpopulated.

I recall my now long deceased father’s words at the end of my wedding video, that Mike and I shared the common goal of wanting to make the world a better place.  Then maybe we could be happy!  Not that it came easily, but we did amazing work together, whether designing new drugs, discovering PTSD biomarkers and drug targets, or fixing the kitchen sink.  Everyone is insanely jealous of our synergistic collaborations.  So we have been attacked from every angle, in the light and in the dark.

Tenacious as we are, our work products include the attached instructions for improving our economy and saving this country, entitled “Commercialization of University Research.”  By far the most important contribution born out of our union and love and the necessity of our situation is the empowerment for all entitled “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” which can easily be found on this website.

Thanks to the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” Mike is with the Lord now.  Otherwise, what can I make of my life’s work and my broken heart?

With the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” we were able to turn around before we reached the worst level of hell.  The worst level is home to those who are guilty of deliberate evil.  That is, they know better and choose evil purposely.  But don’t worry, babe, I would have gone there with you, too.  After all, I know the place well.

What changed his choice?  Was it love?  Was it the realization, finally, that there is nothing he can do to make me not love the Lord or him anymore?  That is true even though he is such a thorough experimenter and scientist.  Was the scientist finally convinced by the strength of my faith?  Maybe he is just tired of arguing with me for over two decades and is finally giving up or giving in.  But I have to believe that his light turned on.  Even the darkest soul has a light inside at its center.  Maybe I finally figured out how to make him love me – by leaving him!  Maybe everything is the way it is supposed to be…

By now it is apparent that we are soul twins, not to be confused with soul mates.

As explained by Dr. Baldwin in Spirit Releasement Therapy: A Technique Manual, twin souls or twin flames are said to be the two halves of a monad, the God created spark of spirit.  Each experiences on its own while remaining connected in consciousness.  The two will reconnect before the monad rejoins the Oneness.  In the meantime, I expect we will both be preparing for that last dance.  We are to follow separate paths of spiritual growth and, by nature of our relationship, get the job done more quickly than either could do alone.  Our purpose is not to be together in a romantic relationship, but to find each other for the spiritual work necessary during these times.  Baldwin, W.J. (2009) Spirit Releasement Therapy: A Technique Manual, Second Edition.  Terra Alta, WV: Headline Books.

Twin flames are represented well by the yin and the yang.  Each of the two partners mirrors precisely what the other lacks.  This causes intense conflict within a relationship, particularly in the context of the god complex.  He was the conqueror and I the conquered.  It worked so well until it inevitably did not anymore.

Any inability to deal well with or accept change causes immense difficulties along the path of self-realization.  Further, achievement of self-realization necessitates exploration and healing of our deepest fears, flaws, and wounds.  We have learned so much together and now it is time to separate and spread the truth which is united with good.

I will always love Mike.  I still believe in transformers who see the Light and choose the Light and do not go back.  I believe in repentance and remission (see blog post entitled, “Pierce the Veil”), and I believe in forgiveness and LOVE.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”  George Eliot

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Pierce the Veil

My Dearest Readers,

I love you and I really hope you like this first response to your requests.  Thank you so much for being my readers and giving me your thoughtful feedback.  There really aren’t words sufficient to express my gratitude, but know that I do not know if there is any greater satisfaction a writer could hope for.

So without further ado, let us pierce the veil, shall we?

What can you do all by yourself?  Besides the obvious is what I am taking this to mean, yes.  If you want to talk about that, too, then you know just what to do.  Contact me.

First of all, consider the fact that you are one of so relatively few people in this world of over 7,446,295,490 people to be here participating in this website.  If one does not believe much in coincidences, then what are the chances you are reading this?  The probability of winning a Powerball jackpot can be 1 in 175,223,510, just to give you an idea.  At first there are a few, and then many.

So you are already way ahead of the game and must be a leader or yet to emerge as a leader or at least one of the most open-minded souls incarnated in this world.  Therefore, you probably already know that prevention is the first line of defense.

Not believing in evil does not protect anyone from it.  What can protect us from evil is knowledge, understanding, and love.  This is all such very good news.  As Rage Against the Machine sings in “Township Rebellion,” “Shackle your minds and you’re left on the cross!  When ignorance reigns, life is lost!”

Even before reading or finishing reading the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” on this website, there is a lot you can do to make life better for yourself and others.

First of all, you can reject the negative energy and the negative influences in your life.  As my mother always told me, “if the shoe doesn’t fit, then don’t wear it, and make the best of circumstances.”

You can say to yourself, or even out loud, something like: “I reject the negative energy.  I request that my life and the life of others be filled with more positive energy.”  Often the results of this statement may be subtle or fleeting at first, but with more practice and repetition, and eventually more understanding, positive life changes can be transformative.

For example, I realized I had a neighbor with PTSD long before I knew that I had the condition myself.  Guess it does take one to know one, even if the one or neither one knows it.  To me it was obvious that he had experienced war to the point that he could not stop experiencing it.  He suffered intermittent outbursts of intense pain, frustration, and resentment thereof.  He was so overcome with it all that he would end up outside, no matter the weather, so beside himself he could only cry out words that I could never understand.  It sounded like begging for mercy to me.  It sounded like someone having a hard time with incomprehensible horrors.  Who could possibly understand the terror that he himself could not fathom?

So I prayed for him, every day and especially on bad days and most especially when he was crying.  I envisioned sharing White Light with him, embracing him with the warmth and comfort and love.  I prayed for help, healing, and protection in accordance with the White Light.  The few times I actually saw him in person, I tried to greet him warmly, look him in the eyes, show him I care.  Even though it may all sound goofy to you, the undeniable fact is that he got better over the days and weeks and months and years.  And then when I had to leave, it eventually got worse again.  But not to worry, an enlightened friend has got his back now.

The following meditation or imagination is particularly valuable for self-protection and rapid relief from fear, anxiety, panic and such.  At first it will take a little effort, but soon it becomes automatic and pretty much instantaneous with a little practice.  You can do it anywhere, anytime.  Why not?

“Imagine now, begin to visualize, deep within your chest, a brilliant light.  It is your connection with the Light.  See this light glowing warmly and expanding into your abdomen and down into your legs and feet.  Now see the light expand up into your chest and shoulders and out into your arms and hands.  See the light expand even further up into your neck and head.  Imagine now that the light is expanding out past your body, expanding out at least an arm’s length in front of you, behind you, on either side of you, as high as you can reach above your head and down beneath your feet.  See and feel the energy of this light filling your entire body and surrounding you lovingly, protectingly, and comfortably.  Sparkling through the light now, imagine bits of emerald green, the color of the energy of healing, and bits of rose pink, the color of the energy of love.  Every cell of your body has its own intelligence and will use this healing energy for your highest good.”

You can do yoga, meditation, and relaxation.  There are classes, books and recordings, and you can even make your own.  Once you get good enough at clearing your mind, you can watch your thoughts, remember your dreams, and listen for astounding revelations.  It helps to learn how to breathe, for example by taking some yoga classes.  Ultimately you can know who you are and what you are here to do.  Sadly, most of us seem to be lost and invalidated.  However, it is not too late to be who you could be, namely your true, most beautiful, highest self.

You can dance for fun and even performance without competition or judgment.

You can pray.  You can put yourself in proper position with respect to your Creator and bow yourself down.  Remember that honor is through humility, like faith is through charity.

You can read the Word.  There is even an App for that.  The Word is now online and searchable and the verse of the day shows up some way.

You can consider this:  that the Lord did not take away our sins by suffering the death of the cross.  Rather, the Lord bore sins and represented sins and pointed them out.  Why?  The Lord came into the world to make salvation possible for man.  How?  By remission of sins after repentance.

The Lord removes sins from those who believe in the Lord and who live according to the Lord’s commandments.

Repentance means seeing one’s sins, praying to the Lord for help and refraining from sinning any more thanks to the Lord’s help.  Only by repentance can sins be taken away.  And when he has done the work of repentance, then may salvation be awarded him by the Lord.

That is, salvation is awarded to him who has seen and acknowledged his sins and who desists from them by virtue of being in the good of love and in the truth of faith from the Lord.  Regeneration is a washing from sins, a spiritual washing, a baptism.

Whatever you do, do not do what I did in Switzerland.  In the midst of family turmoil, I was asked the question loud and clear in my crazy head, “Will you take it for the family?”  I said “anything for my family.”  I should have said, “who is asking, who wants to know, who are you?”

Of course I have to learn everything the hard way, so next thing I knew I had an accident with a knife in the kitchen wherein my finger was cut to the bone.  Could there be energy transfer by those with strong fields, good and bad?  Can thoughts become things?

It is a fundamental and common theme in biology that there are positive and negative forces ever engaged in a dance that can swing away from the middle for periods but inevitably swings back.  This makes it even more critical to be able to distinguish between positive and negative forces.

At least I found out that socialized medicine works.  I have almost full use of my right index finger, thankfully.  My French physical therapist made me cry a lot, tough love, but it was worth it.  Thank you; I love you, too.

Please keep in mind that the deeper the hell you dig yourself into, the longer it will take to work your way back to heaven.  It is not the Lord’s fault that you chose evil and were stubborn.  It does appear as if it is coming from the Lord, but in reality we do it to ourselves.  The good news is that we can choose to change it, too, by repenting and praying for remission of sins.  The free will thus constitutes the man.

The more familiar you become with the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” the more you will learn and the more you will be able to help.  For example, you will be able to clear entire buildings and locations of destructive and interfering energies.  You will also be able to clear dark ones from yourself and others, as long as there are no agreements or arrangements that are being held onto.

Anyone who bargained with the dark side is free to withdraw from the contract.  It is up to the host to end an arrangement or agreement with an attached dark one.  Reasons that contracts with the dark side can be voided include the following:

A contract is void if one party neglects to fulfill the particulars of the agreement or bargains with bad intentions.

Contracts made under duress may be voided.

Contracts made under deceit may be voided.  Dark ones use deceit to initiate contracts.  In fact, dark ones themselves are deceived in that they, too, have inner light that they are unaware of.  Therefore, as deceivers who have themselves been deceived, their works can be nullified by the Light.

The Light can always extinguish the darkness including every last shadow hiding in the far reaches and nooks and crannies.

Human beings are free to choose between the Light and dark.  Once the choice is made, it cannot be denied by either side.  This choice can be changed at any time.

Rejection of the darkness is formally stated as follows:  “In the name of the Light, I choose the Light and reject the darkness.  I reject all dark energies and activities.  I revoke any and all agreements and associations with the darkness or any dark one.  I am free.”

People you help may never even need to know it.  However, if the underlying issue(s) is not addressed, then the same problems will most likely keep resurfacing.

Most importantly, always remember you are not really alone.  Check out Freeing the Captives (1999) by Dr. Louise Ireland-Frey, Mind Probe – Hypnosis (2000) by Dr. Irene Hickman, The Unquiet Dead (1987) by Dr. Edith Fiore, and The Bright Light of Death (1977) by Annabel Chaplin.

Please contact me and let me know if there is anything I can do to help connect Spiritual Singles so you can do service together, if you want to, of course.  It does work over the phone, too.

“And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem” (Luke 24:47 KJV).

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