Yes, Your Life is a Tragedy; But You Will Have Love

Beloved Readers,

When I started blogging about two and a half years ago, I declared myself a live, on-demand writer who would write in response to the interest of most of my readers first. I have written about a lot of different topics because I have a lot of education and experience working my ass off that is considered privilege which I am trying to donate. Persecuted for being honest and good, perhaps the saddest part of the story is that those we’ve stood up for do not even appreciate it. Divide and conquer, the policy of maintaining control over people by encouraging dissent between them, has really worked well for those who have the money = power.


What happens to dissenters?

But of all the topics I have written about, you still want to know more about me. How am I? What am I doing? What am I going to do? Have I gotten anything?

You never cease to surprise me, beloved readers. You have shaped my works in ways I could never have imagined, which is a reason why blogging has made my life better. I know most of you want to know if I have found a way to make it as a writer yet. Because if so then you think that you too are going to make it by saying what you want to say and getting away with it. But in reality, a writer is someone who has something to say and the conviction and ability to say it. What qualifies as something to say is something that is worth writing home about, something true and good.

For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10).


Our Lady of Guadalupe in Chicago, Illinois, USA

As promised, I will at least try to answer your tough questions.

When I was about 20 years old, I remember stumbling out of the science building one night unwillingly high on solvent fumes after teaching organic chemistry laboratory at the university where I was also a student. Working as a teaching assistant was one of several part-time jobs that I juggled to pay my way through school. I worked as a busboy cleaning tables for waitresses until I turned 21 years of age and could serve alcohol myself. I even worked on the team that catered one of George H. W. Bush’s fundraisers on his path to becoming president of the USA. Attendees paid $2,000 a plate, consisting of various hors d’oeuvres. Cheryl Tiegs was there, and I served her champagne. George gave his speech about the “haves” and the “have nots” and keeping it that way. I could not believe that he could talk that way while I was standing right there!


Crumbling but still heavily used infrastructure in Chicago, Illinois, USA

It was about 10 pm by the time I left the university at night and then I had to walk about 20 minutes to where I parked my car behind some old warehouse buildings. The car wouldn’t start because it needed a new starter and I did not have an extra $60. I found an abandoned concrete loading ramp that must have outlived the warehouse it was once attached to on the outskirts of campus. I backed up the ramp each morning and left the car parked there at the top. At night, I had once chance to clutch-start the car so that I could drive home. This went on for months.


The Robey, Chicago, Illinois, USA

When I got outside that night, I looked up at the clear sky from my vantage point in the mile-high city. The stars were stunning. I could see each one shining brightly against the dark night. I threw my head back and cried,

“What the @#&%, God?!”

My life was too hard. I was too stressed out. Too many bad things had happened to me already and I just couldn’t catch a break. I felt like I couldn’t go on. Why was God so angry at me?

“Yes, your life is a tragedy. But you will have love,” God replied.


View from the 8th floor of The Robey, Chicago, Illinois, USA

After 8 more years of suffering and sacrifice, I finally married the love of my life. And everything went wrong all over again. To get an idea how dishonest science and medicine have become, you can read the stories Medical Mold ( and Eugenics Therapy (


Saint Michael the Archangel Catholic Church, Chicago, Illinois, USA

My ex-husband, Michael, and I were in the science part of S.T.E.M. = Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. A major take-home message from decades of our combined experience is the following: the jobs must be independent of political and business systems or it doesn’t work. Otherwise, STEM can stand for Satan the Evil Mother@#&%_*!


Still building new in Chicago, Illinois, USA even though there are “for lease” signs all over the country and even right next door as seen here

Even within the field of science, you must be privileged to have an assessment of your leadership competencies and weaknesses. Don’t get me wrong — I was never selected as a candidate for leadership; I just know white males who were. Anyway, this stuff should be taught in high school and, as I mentioned, I am trying to donate whatever privilege you think I have. So, I can tell you that the DiSC® model is used to understand the psychological forces that drive people beneath the surface.

I highly recommend “The 8 Dimensions of Leadership, DiSC® Strategies for Becoming a Better Leader” by Sugerman, J. et al., Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., Oakland, CA, 2011.


Sandy Lake Michigan parking lot near downtown Chicago, Illinois, USA

The idea is that great leadership needed to successfully deal with complex challenges requires a wide range of competencies and relationship skills. In “The 8 Dimensions of Leadership Model,” the key leadership dimensions are Pioneering, Energizing, Affirming, Inclusive, Humble, Deliberate, Resolute, and Commanding. When the data points describing the meaning of these concepts are compared mathematically, they form a circular relationship that is non-hierarchical and nonsequential. A leader has a natural home on the circle but can change to another leadership style as the situation demands, in theory at least. The book helps you gain a deeper understanding of the psychology behind both your strengths and challenges and provides leadership lessons designed to help you personally to grow as a leader.

Reading the book, you recognize your leadership style right away. I am an Affirming leader – relationship-oriented, empathetic, forgiving. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My mission in life is to belong and be accepted. I have difficulty holding people accountable. So, I started blogging.


Saint Michael the Archangel Catholic Church, Chicago, Illinois, USA

My ex-husband is a Resolute leader, which is exactly opposite of Affirming on the west-east axis of the circle of leadership dimensions. On the eastern side of this axis are dimensions featuring more warm and accepting behaviors. On the western side are dimensions featuring more skeptical and questioning tendencies. Together, Michael and I had it all, which led to impressive accomplishments, though not necessarily happiness.

Too much ugliness got between us for our marriage to survive. For example, you can read about how the supposedly best medical care in the world tortured me for 20 years and ruined my marriage at Both Michael and I should have a fresh start. Especially with my PTSD, it is not fair to him or me to be constantly reminded of and triggered by this tragedy. In the song Hotel California by the Eagles, there is a line that says some dance to remember, some dance to forget. I just want to dance to forget. And Michael is so many things, but not a dancer, at least not yet.


Saint Michael the Archangel

My ex-husband teaches biology at a community college. I was raped by my white male teacher when I was 15 years old. When my ex comes home from long days of work where he is responsible for the safety of a laboratory over-full of students and must watch what everyone is doing for hours at a time and explain things in excruciating detail, it takes him awhile to get out of “teacher mode.” And “teacher mode” triggers me. I know that my ex is one of the most competent, most dedicated and least racist teachers who is good for the students. But it’s not good for my PTSD as I need to be with someone who is not a teacher and will never treat me as his student. I understand that it is hard to switch out of work mode instantly upon arrival at home. This is just another example where forced alternative careers for scientists are not good for the people. Those who have the money and power are treating us like robots.


They said we could work out in the gym, but we were worried the turret of the house next door might come the rest of the way through the wall

In effort to become a better leader by taking responsibility for problems that plague my team, I tried to regain my independence after divorcing my husband. But I was too disabled, and my support system was too weak. Now that I am getting much better, I am looking for a job in Michigan, USA because they have legalized marijuana and I believe I have a better chance to dance there. I know the economy sucks and there aren’t enough jobs and even if there were, I wouldn’t get one because I am too honest.

Nevertheless, I believe there is something for me or I would not be here, especially after all I have been through.

So, what am I doing? I am doing all that I can do, e.g., writing, research and development, project management, troubleshooting, advocating for basic human rights. For example, the report entitled Understanding and Surviving PTSD: A Real Story can really help people and change things for the better ( Therefore, Michael and I went to Chicago over winter break to make the zine available at Quimby’s Bookstore ( I have included pictures here from our trip to Chicago after the holidays at the beginning of the week when the nightclubs were closed and a room at the Robey was about half the price it would be on the weekend of the Chicago Zine Fest, when we will be staying elsewhere. As you can see, the Robey is amazing! Walking from the Robey to the lake, we came across a beautiful church of Saint Michael the Archangel. We did our best to spiritually cleanse anything unhealthy, unhappy or nonconsensual.


Saint Michael the Archangel Catholic Church, Chicago, Illinois, USA

So, if you want to be like me, then you will be happy to know that I am not homeless, but home insecure now. I signed up for a Zumba! class that was cancelled due to cold so far. But then the cold is the reason I need a way to exercise indoors! I got put on the waitlist for the Omaha Zine Fest! I thanked them for their consideration and asked to be removed from their first come, first served waitlist that is not good for people like me with PTSD. Besides, why would people spend a month getting others to apply for an annual event only to spend two more weeks selecting participants from too many applicants? That is certainly not my idea of a free press.


The Robey, Chicago, Illinois, USA

Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it (Mark 8:34-35 KJV).

Lots of Love,

Our Lady of Guadalupe crop

Our Lady of Guadalupe with Saint Michael the Archangel

Understanding and Surviving Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A Real Story

Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer (Romans 12:12)

Dr. Marie D. Kube, Ph.D. and Dr. Michael G. Klug, Ph.D.

Dear Leaders,

This report documents survival and recovery of a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, for three years following a nervous breakdown. The purpose of this report is to improve the understanding of PTSD based on expertise and experience which will help to better recognize PTSD, reduce suffering, increase survival and help people with PTSD get better faster.

This report contains the following sections: Introduction, Current Diagnostic Criteria for PTSD, PTSD Physiology, Recognizing PTSD, Surviving PTSD, and Personal PTSD Experience.

Please note that any estimates of amount of time needed to recover from PTSD should not be shared with someone suffering from the condition. While the case described in this report does fit the established time frame that is typically required to retune the brain’s responses, this information can be extremely detrimental to someone with PTSD who cannot bear the condition they are in any longer at all. Further, increasing understanding will lead to decreased suffering.

One contributor to this report, Dr. Marie D. Kube, Ph.D., is also the subject of this case study. Her self-portrait, “PTSD: you can’t do it to yourself,” is the cover picture of this report. She was diagnosed with PTSD at the beginning of 2016, and this diagnosis was confirmed by multiple different medical doctors and other doctors during the following two years. A description of her personal experience is included at the end of this report, and her curriculum vitae (CV) can be read at Another contributor to this report, Dr. Michael G. Klug, is an expert in physiology and his CV can be read at . Drs. Kube and Klug were married for over 20 years and have now been divorced for over two years.

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Dr. Michael G. Klug, Ph.D.

Special thanks and acknowledgement to contributors of this work who are not named in this report at this time. This report is to honor you by selflessly passing on to others potentially life-saving information as you also have so selflessly shared.

PTSD is a disorder of the nervous system pursuant to traumatic stress, which no one can do to themselves. The brain and nervous system control all bodily functions as well as the interaction of the individual with its environment. Our bodies are not designed to sustain a high level of stress continuously over an extended period.

PTSD is perhaps the most stigmatized mental disorder of all. Even to the medical doctors in the U.S.A. responsible for treating the condition in the emergency rooms, “PTSD” has nothing but negative connotations. It reminds us that the original purpose of American doctors was to return soldiers to the battlefield quickly during war. This is the legacy of a culture rooted in war.

The notion that “I, or someone I know, went through something similar and didn’t develop PTSD, so I don’t understand what your problem is and why you cannot just get over it” is a primary example of detrimental misperceptions about PTSD. Such detrimental misperceptions are being relentlessly spread by those who are responsible for hurting others and then shaming and blaming the victims and kicking them while they are down and encouraging others to do the same. The result is that people with PTSD commit suicide every day now. For all afflicted with PTSD, past and present, this report aims to tell the truth that is good, to the best of our knowledge and experience, in effort to bring about positive change for us all.

Symptoms of trauma-related mental disorders have been documented since at least the time of the ancient Greeks. What is now called “PTSD” has been known previously as “shell shock” and “combat neurosis.” PTSD was erroneously classified as an anxiety disorder until recently but has been reclassified as a “trauma- and stressor-related disorder” in Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Published May 18, 2013 (DSM-5).

Current Diagnostic Criteria for PTSD
Diagnosis of PTSD is currently based on the presence of specific symptoms following a traumatic event that were not present before exposure to the traumatic event. The diagnostic criteria for PTSD, stipulated in the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems 10 (ICD-10), may be summarized as follows:
1) Exposure to a stressful event or situation (either short- or long-lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone
2) Persistent remembering or “reliving” the stressor by intrusive flashbacks, vivid memories, recurring dreams, or by experiencing distress when exposed to circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor
3) Actual or preferred avoidance of circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor (not present before the stressor)
4) Either (a) or (b):
a) Inability to recall, either partially or completely, some important aspects of the period of exposure to the stressor
b) Persistent symptoms (for more than a month after the event) of increased psychological sensitivity and arousal (not present before exposure to the stressor) shown by any two of the following:
i) Difficulty in falling or staying asleep
ii) Irritability or outbursts of anger
iii) Difficulty in concentrating
iv) Hyper-vigilance
v) Exaggerated startle response

PTSD should not be diagnosed unless there is evidence that it arose within six months of a traumatic event of exceptional severity such as one that is life-threatening, according to the ICD-10. PTSD should be differentiated from other disorders such as anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, brief psychotic disorder, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder, and drug-induced psychotic disorders. PTSD should also be differentiated from other adjustment disorders resulting from stressor and symptom patterns that do not meet the criteria for PTSD, such as a partner being fired or a spouse leaving, according to the Wikipedia article on Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. In addition to evidence of trauma, there must be repetitive, intrusive recollection or re-enactment of the event in memories, daytime imagery, or dreams.

Malingerers who claim they have PTSD because they believe that they can obtain a financial, legal, and/or social advantage, such as financial support, do so at the expense of those who truly have PTSD.

Most people who have experienced a traumatic event will not develop PTSD. PTSD is caused by experiencing or witnessing a stressor event involving death, serious injury or such threat to the self or others in a situation in which the individual felt intense fear, horror, or powerlessness. People who experience interpersonal trauma such as rape and child abuse are more likely to develop PTSD as compared to people who experience non-assault-based trauma such as accidents and natural disasters. About half of people develop PTSD following rape. Childhood trauma, chronic adversity, domestic violence and familial stressors increase risk for PTSD. Experiencing bullying as a child or an adult has been correlated with the development of PTSD. See Wikipedia article on Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

Intentional control responses, like suppression, increase the frequency of unwanted intrusive thoughts. Suppression of intrusive thoughts may be important in the development and maintenance of PTSD.

PTSD is not fear; PTSD is beyond fear. PTSD is not an excuse for failure. PTSD is not a sign of weakness or of not being able to handle what others could. PTSD is not drug addiction. PTSD is being the best in the worst. PTSD is an injury that cannot be self-inflicted. And people with PTSD can get better.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18).

Perhaps someday there will be a computer program, or application, to calculate trauma exposure. PTSD could be viewed as a spectrum with differing possible degrees of severity, for example. A PTSD score could be assessed using criteria specific to traumatic stress. For example, a PTSD score could be similar to a “CAPS score” for the clinician-administered PTSD scale for DSM-5 (CAPS-5), except that the PTSD score will be more accurate because it will be independent of invalidating clinicians who have never had PTSD, who have an erroneous understanding of PTSD at best, who are unable to make PTSD better, who make PTSD much worse, and who do not care about people with PTSD unless they can make a lot of money experimenting on treating their symptoms only and not the causes of PTSD. The PTSD score can be a score on a scale of 0-10, for example, where 0 means no PTSD and 10 means the most severe case of PTSD ever known. In addition to diagnostic criteria such as those described above, the PTSD score can take into account physiologic parameters such as blood pressure, heart rate, capillary refill in the fingernail beds, color of the blood and pupil diameter measured under appropriate lighting conditions.

In the case study described here, the subject was first diagnosed with PTSD at a pain clinic in Twin Cities, Minnesota, U.S.A., on March 10, 2016. She was 49 years old. After suffering with a persistent painful Bartholin gland cyst for 20 years, the cyst became so swollen, red and painful that a surgical procedure was required to cut open the gland and suture the edges to make the opening of the gland bigger (marsupialization). The subject and her advocate requested same-day surgery and were referred to an emergency department in Twin Cities, Minnesota on January 10, 2016. But the managed care system prescribed antibiotics for 10 days and the opioid oxycodone tainted with acetaminophen (aka Tylenol) for the pain, which caused liver toxicity and brain damage while waiting for surgery until late in the afternoon on January 19, 2016.

Even Wikipedia has cited evidence that antibiotics do not work for a Bartholin gland cyst, let alone one that has been festering for more than two decades. After more than 20 years, the cyst most likely led to the development of chronic inflammation that would prevent antibiotics from getting into the cyst. In fact, one of the subject’s lymph nodes that the Bartholin gland drains into on one side of the groin area appears to be fibrotic because it remains swollen, but not tender, painful or warm, almost three years after the surgery. After marsupialization of the right Bartholin gland, the subject suffered a nervous breakdown and was first diagnosed with PTSD upon referral to a pain clinic for chronic pain syndrome due also to past vehicular accidents, all of which was greatly exacerbated. See blog post at for more of the story.

The subject of this case study has numerous predispositions to developing PTSD. She was drugged and raped multiple times, including her first sexual experience at 15 years of age. She was bullied as a child and as an adult, especially for being a German-American citizen and having the first name “Dagmar” until she finally changed it to “Marie” during her divorce. The subject has neck and back injuries from multiple vehicular accidents, including being hit by a speeding car while walking across the street and being hit by two different drunk drivers while driving. In addition, the subject experienced chronic adversity including long-term unemployment and family illness. See her statement of personal experience at the end of this report for a more detailed account.

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Music helps when triggered

PTSD Physiology
This case study offers a lot of insight into the physiology of PTSD, especially since the subject herself is an accomplished scientist and her ex-husband and primary caretaker, Dr. Klug, is an expert in physiology. Possible physiological mechanisms underlying PTSD are explained here and different analogies are offered.

PTSD can be thought of like a heart attack or any other organ failure, only it is the nervous system that is damaged in the case of PTSD. The nervous system controls and coordinates all functions of the body. The two anatomical parts of the nervous system are the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system. The central nervous system consists of the brain and spinal cord, while the peripheral nervous system consists mainly of the nerves that extend from the brain and spinal cord.

The largest part of the human brain is the cerebrum. The cerebrum is divided in the middle to make a right and left hemisphere. The sheet of gray matter covering the cerebrum is called the cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex is the home of the conscious mind. The cerebral cortex enables people to be aware of themselves and their sensations, to initiate and control voluntary movements, and to communicate, remember, and understand. Association areas integrate diverse information to enable purposeful action.

Both sides of the cerebrum have different functions. It is extremely important that one side is not overloaded as compared to the other. Human bodies were not designed to sustain a high level of stress continuously over an extended period of time. Too much traumatic stress can disrupt the emotional balance of the brain. When the nervous system becomes overwhelmed, then there is a break down in the ability to handle matters and the nervous system kicks into fight-or-flight mode.

Fight-or-flight mode is a state that a person achieves quickly in response to a threatening encounter or perception of a dangerous situation. The body’s motors get revved up for vigorous activity, such as fighting or fleeing. A pounding heart delivers more blood and oxygen to muscles used for fighting or running. Cold, sweaty skin means that blood is being diverted from the skin to more vital organs, like the brain. The lungs take up more oxygen as the body’s consumption of oxygen increases. The liver releases more sugar into the blood to provide for increased energy needs. Pain is suppressed. Temporarily non-essential functions, such as digestion and elimination of feces and urine, are inhibited. The eye pupils become dilated to let in more light, so you can see better. Interestingly, the subject in this case study exhibits one-sided pupil dilation regularly.

The fight-or-flight response is governed by the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS is a subset of the central nervous system (CNS), including parts of the brain stem, spinal cord, hypothalamus, amygdala, and cerebral cortex. Unlike the direct voluntary control by the cerebral cortex, the ANS cannot be consciously controlled, at least not without training, practice, adaptation. The hypothalamus is the main integration and control center of the ANS, while the brain stem seems to have the most direct influence over the ANS.

With PTSD, it is not a matter of developing control, but of changing how you react and recognizing the patterns earlier, so you can stop the (involuntary) response before it over-reacts.

The ANS controls bodily functions such as heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, and urination that are not easily controlled by conscious will. Rather, the ANS operates with some degree of independence (autonomic = self-governing). The ANS has two divisions, the sympathetic and parasympathetic divisions. The two divisions have opposite effects. It is the sympathetic division of the ANS that is responsible for the fight-or-flight response, while the parasympathetic division directs rest-and-digest mode, e.g., resting and digesting food after a meal.

Once the sympathetic division of the ANS kicks in, you are in fight-or-flight mode and conscious control is more and more lost. That is why you are different, and you don’t remember.

A maladaptation hypothesis is that PTSD is the result of a bodily mechanism that evolved for our protection and that did work, since the subject did survive, but that is now a detrimental over-reaction. The body is pre-programmed to do what it needs to do to survive by responding a certain way to a stimulus. That certain way of responding is reinforced because it works because the individual survives. But eventually, reaction to too much of a detrimental stimulus becomes over-reaction that becomes pathologic.

Learning what hot is can serve as an analogy. The first time one burns oneself, one learns to pull away from the flame soon enough to avoid getting burned. If the threat of being burned is relentless enough, then the reflex reaction of pulling away eventually overcompensates. For example, one may nearly smack themselves in the face by over-reacting as more somatic motor neurons are activated and cause more skeletal muscles to contract. Indeed, the whole sympathetic nervous system can be activated involuntarily.

PTSD is like a peripheral defense mechanism, a physiologic response against circumstances, like abuse, which the individual can no longer endure and that must change for the individual to survive. PTSD means reacting to what happened to you.

Another analogy is that PTSD is to the body like engine abuse is to a car. An engine that is abused and neglected will not run as smoothly as the same engine when well cared for. The decreased performance and longevity are due to the abuse and neglect and not to the engine being inherently weak or defective. Any engine that is abused enough will break. Just because an engine is broken does not mean that it cannot be fixed.

The problem is that so-called “triggers” cause involuntary peripheral responses that are physically damaging. Triggers are circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor event(s) that involved death, serious injury or such threat to the self or others in a situation in which the individual felt intense fear, horror, or powerlessness. In this case study, it could take up to a week or more to recover from the involuntary physical responses induced by being triggered significantly. Symptoms included sleeplessness, constipation, depression and hyper-vigilance.

When severely triggered, the subject was unable to walk. When most severely triggered, the subject’s lips turned blue and then she passed out and became completely unconscious. The subject’s normally low heart rate and blood pressure would suggest that the heart stopped or there was severe vasodilation. Lost blood pressure was visible as blue lips and caused the subject to pass out. This paradoxical response is the opposite response to what is expected. The subject’s low blood pressure seems to be some sort of adaptation. Indeed, the subject is in very good physical shape.

The brain must be re-trained to learn how not to over-react when triggered so that social interaction is successful. Please note that any estimates of amount of time needed to recover from PTSD should not be shared with someone suffering from the condition. While the case described in this report does fit the established time frame of two to three years that is typically required to retune the brain’s responses, this information can be extremely detrimental to someone with PTSD who cannot bear the condition they are in any longer at all. Further, increasing understanding will lead to decreased suffering. Currently, however, it can take two to three years to retune the brain’s response to circumstances resembling or associated with a stressor event(s). Currently, that can mean two to three years’ recovery time before being able to work and re-integrate again socially without being triggered all the time. The average life expectancy with PTSD is 12 years. Clearly there is much room for improvement, especially given that the subject in this case study has survived and recovered from a severe case of PTSD for over 30 years.

An integral part of PTSD is the fight-or-flight response that is governed by the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS is not easily subjected to voluntary control, which explains why PTSD is not something that someone can do to themselves. Further, activities like dance can help switch from fight-or-flight mode into rest-and-digest mode.

The fight-or-flight response is enhanced by secretion of the amine hormones epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline) into the blood by the adrenal medulla. We hypothesize that there is peripheral feedback to the central nervous system in PTSD. For example, signal molecules or messengers such as peptides, proteins, hormones or chemical compounds may be sent from the periphery to the brain, e.g., hypothalamus.

The peripheral feedback hypothesis is supported by the heightened startle response characteristic of PTSD. The startle response tightens muscles and makes you tense as the muscle and joint stretch receptors are activated. The startle response puts you on a higher overall level of alertness. Conversely, pleasurable stimuli bring the overall level of alertness down, pointing to the reticular activating system (RAS). For example, a hot bath alleviates PTSD symptoms almost instantaneously by relaxing the muscles, thereby undoing the startle response. Especially for people with heightened startle response, physical activities, such as dancing and yoga, are essential to relieve the tension.


Hot bath alleviates PTSD symptoms

In the subject of this case study, the erector spinae muscles become tight enough to flatten the back so that the natural curvature of the spine is lost. Tightening of the erector spinae group of muscles pulls on the meninges (membranes covering the central nervous system (brain and spinal cord)) and is transmitted as a physical signal from the periphery to areas of the central nervous system connected to any of the affected meninges. The higher the state of arousal of the subject, the tighter the erector spinae and other muscles become. Feedback from erector spinae muscles to the central nervous system via the meninges is an example of the peripheral feedback hypothesis. Tightening of the erector spinae muscles is another example of an involuntary peripheral response associated with PTSD.


Natural curvature of spine lost in PTSD

In the subject of this case study, hormone(s) regulated by the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis and ovaries make(s) PTSD worse by lowering the threshold for being triggered. Women can synchronize their hormonal cycles to the moon cycle. A hormone(s) that is tied to the ovarian cycle and synchronized with the lunar cycle, at least in the subject of this case study, changes the trigger point and how severely the subject is triggered. Measuring the time-course of hormone levels during the lunar cycle could identify hormone(s) coinciding with the lunar cycle and having an effect on PTSD. For example, follicle-stimulating hormone, luteinizing hormone, and/or estrogen are candidates. Cortisol is known to show up in stress but does not appear to cycle. Hormone replacement therapy and even birth control pills could influence PTSD and could make PTSD even worse. Similarly, hormones are bound to play a role in PTSD in men as well. PTSD is not purely hormonal, however, since the subject in this case study was triggered, often severely, every day for about the first year following the nervous breakdown, before the start of menopause.

PTSD physiology may suggest that treatment with a class of medications known as beta blockers could be effective. Beta blockers are widely used to treat high blood pressure. Beta blockers are competitive antagonists that block receptor sites for the endogenous catecholamines epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline) on adrenergic beta receptors of the sympathetic nervous system that mediates the fight-or-flight response. Some beta blockers are selective for one of the three known types of beta receptors while others block all types of beta-adrenergic receptors. See Wikipedia’s article entitled, “Beta blocker.”

The beta blocker propranolol is a non-selective synthetic beta blocker that blocks both beta 1- and beta 2-adrenergic receptors and crosses the blood-brain barrier. Propranolol has been studied extensively and has been reported to work short-term in reducing PTSD symptoms. But is it really a good idea to treat (suppress) symptoms while invalidating the underlying cause? This is especially concerning given that intentional control responses, like suppression, may be important in the development and maintenance of PTSD. While beta blockers like propranolol may be useful in the short-term, they may actually make PTSD worse in the long-term by maintaining PTSD instead of getting it out.

Why was propranolol chosen for study instead of other beta blockers? Due to the high penetration across the blood-brain barrier, lipophilic beta blockers, such as propranolol and metoprolol, are more likely than other less lipophilic beta blockers to cause sleep disturbances, such as insomnia, vivid dreams and nightmares (Cruickshank JM, 2010, Indian Heart Journal, 62(2): 101, PMID 21180298). Propranolol may therefore be contraindicated for PTSD given that the diagnostic criteria for PTSD described above include “persistent remembering or “reliving” the stressor by intrusive flashbacks, vivid memories, recurring dreams…” and “difficulty in falling or staying asleep.”

Propranolol is used to treat high blood pressure and other conditions, including performance anxiety. PTSD is not an anxiety disorder as was thought until recently when it was re-classified as a trauma- and stressor-related disorder in DSM-5. In this case study, the subject’s normally low blood pressure may contraindicate treatment with beta blockers. For example, after a one mile walk to the pharmacy, the subject’s systolic pressure was 93 mmHg, diastolic pressure was 53 mmHg, and pulse rate was 58 beats per minute.

Memory disruption by noradrenergic receptor antagonism during memory reconsolidation after reactivation/retrieval using propranolol has been researched widely in humans for the treatment of neuropsychiatric disorders such as PTSD. “Forgetting therapy” is unethical according to Beyond Therapy, a report published by the President’s Council on Bioethics (US) (2003). The major argument made against “forgetting therapy” is that it is unethical as “our happiness depends also on our memory, on knowing who we have been” (President’s Council on Bioethics (US), 2003, p. 209). Nevertheless, propranolol has been widely used in attempt to specifically wipe out bad memories that cause emotional problems without making patients forget all their life experiences as well.

There are more than 20 human trials of propranolol for PTSD listed in (a service of the U.S. National Institutes of Health), including 4 trials that were terminated for low enrollment, for example. No wonder the numbers of patients studied are often too small to be meaningful. Conventional follow-up time periods for PTSD clinical trials are only 3, 6, or 9 months. One 2012 study claiming that treatment with propranolol is associated with better quality of life among PTSD patients had study participants that met the DSM-IV criteria for chronic PTSD. As noted above, PTSD has been reclassified as a “trauma- and stressor-related disorder” in DSM-5, published 2013. Furthermore, the study was only 5 months from pre-treatment to follow-up and only had 33 participants (Poundja et al., 2012, European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 3: 15470). The participants were not even seeking treatment when enrolled in the study. The paper concludes that, “These results must await publication of a randomized-controlled trial to further delineate effectiveness with the novel treatment approach.” Where are the results of the trial? A 2018 publication about a 6-week trial of propranolol in 60 adults diagnosed with “long-standing PTSD” concludes that “Replication studies using a long-term follow-up in various trauma populations are required (Brunet et al., 2018, Am J Psychiatry, 175(5):427, PMID: 29325446). Continued exposure to propranolol may be necessary for long-term benefits and may lead to desensitization. Results are expected in May 2019 for a trial with 40 participants suffering from “betrayal or abandonment by a significant other during times of need,” but not people suffering from PTSD.

This is brainwashing! Why are psychiatrists and not physiologists studying PTSD? Why is PTSD being treated as psychosomatic when the physiology is somatopsychic?

We predict that a peripherally active beta blocker that does not cross the blood-brain barrier would show an effect in PTSD patients where propranolol is effective. Switching from a centrally to a peripherally acting beta blocker may even work better provided that the beta blocker is not contraindicated.

The Committee on Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (2008) found the evidence for all classes of drugs reviewed (alpha-adrenergic blockers, anticonvulsants, novel antipsychotic medications, benzodiazepines, MAOIs, SSRIs, and other antidepressants) inadequate to determine efficacy for patients with PTSD (Institute of Medicine. 2008. Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: An Assessment of the Evidence. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press.

In the most comprehensive set of meta-analyses (2016) comparing psychotherapy and medication efficacy for PTSD, trauma-focused psychotherapies resulted in greater sustained benefit over time by every measure considered as compared to medications: aripiprazole, brofaromine, bupropion, citalopram, divalproex, fluoxetine, guanfacine, mirtazapine, nefazodone, olanzapine, paroxetine, prazosin, risperidone, sertraline, tiagabine, topiramate, and venlafaxine (Lee et al., 2016, Depression and Anxiety 33:792). Interestingly, propranolol was used in the search terms for the meta-analysis but did not meet the inclusion criteria for the study.

Why have so many other drugs been studied for PTSD when the plant called marijuana actually works? There are only 6 trials listed for marijuana in, 2 of which are really CBD trials and one of which includes propranolol as a control! The answer is conflict of interest. For example, thirty-one of the medication trials (72%) were industry supported in the most comprehensive set of meta-analyses comparing psychotherapy and medication efficacy for PTSD (Lee et al., 2016, Depression and Anxiety 33:792). Picture white male doctors taking propranolol to steady their hands during surgery or to overcome their performance anxiety. Now picture African American men smoking marijuana after the Vietnam War and current traumatic events. The white men are honored while the black men are imprisoned.

Think of the hundreds of millions, perhaps even billions, of taxpayer dollars, that, instead of going to people with PTSD, have gone to: medical doctors, clinical trials, preclinical research, drug companies, universities, psychiatrists, psychologists, medical writers, publishers, none of which has helped people with PTSD in the long term.

Recognizing PTSD
Together with diagnostic criteria such as the ICD-10 criteria summarized above, outward signs of PTSD can help to identify and treat people with PTSD better. Recognizing signs of PTSD can improve accuracy and speed of diagnosis which, in turn, should improve prognosis as affected people are identified and helped more efficiently and effectively. Major signs and symptoms believed to be associated with PTSD based on this case study are detailed below. More data from others affected with PTSD will determine the general applicability of the signs and symptoms described herein that are based on our experience and that are consistent with our current physiological understanding of PTSD.

People with PTSD go to great lengths to avoid their triggers, and social withdrawal is a hallmark of PTSD. The subject of this case study lacks a social support system. She was triggered more than supported for the first year following her nervous breakdown. She was very depressed, often crying and even suicidal. She was highly reactive and prone to emotional outbursts. She lost trust completely. She withdrew further socially. She avoided eye contact. She moved away to where she did not know anyone, and she lived alone. Her startle response is still heightened after almost three years.

People with PTSD have difficulty sleeping. The nightmares can be intense. The subject in this case had severe sleep disturbance for the first year following a nervous breakdown, during which time she slept less than or equal to three hours a night. Sleeplessness was often accompanied by intense night sweats that soaked the bed, the covers and even a towel. These symptoms were further complicated by the onset of menopause around the middle of the three-year recovery period. After almost three years of recovery, the subject sleeps much better overall but still suffers from significant sleep disturbance due to unwanted and intrusive memories and lingering night sweats.

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Night sweats

An underlying neuropathy remaining in the subject’s left upper back after a vehicular accident about 15 years ago caused by a drunk driver is somehow also linked to the sweating outbreaks. For example, after an enormous release (pop) of the muscle in the affected area with exercise, hot bath, and massage, the subject broke out in a sweat that started at the site of the pop and radiated progressively outward form it. The sweat was profuse enough to soak through a large towel into the sheets and mattress of the bed.

PTSD fight-or-flight mode slows down anal elimination. The body shuts down elimination in preparation to fight or to flee. Either way, it is not a good time for a bowel movement. But what is present as a natural coping mechanism in case of a rare event becomes life threatening in abnormal situations. When what should be a rare event is a constant and severe threat that cannot be escaped or relieved sufficiently, then one can become trapped in fight-or-flight mode. Remaining in fight-or-flight mode for extended periods of time is known to have an overall taxing effect on the body that results in significantly decreased life expectancy. Being in fight-or-flight mode too much and/or for too long can cause anal retention so severe that it is life-threatening. Staying in fight-or-flight mode can also burn a lot of calories, especially sugar.

Even with optimal diet and exercise and avoidance of triggers, a baseline state of fight-or-flight mode can cause net retention of feces backed up throughout the voluminous lengths of intestines until the entire abdomen is hard and painfully swollen. This can happen even if some feces, but not enough, are eliminated every day. Night sweats and dehydration make it much worse. It is important to drink a lot of water and to eat a healthy diet. In the subject of this case study, even drinking more than a gallon of water every day could not prevent PTSD-induced constipation. The subject was very hydrated as evidenced by frequent urination about every hour during the day and at least once or twice during the night, yet PTSD-induced constipation was still an issue. Long walks every day are very helpful. See more below under “Surviving PTSD.”

Based on the “hook” shape of the feces, they appear to be getting stuck in the sigmoid colon and assuming that shape. The feces can be so large and hard that they must be thrown in the trash because they cannot be flushed down any toilet. The feces can be hard as a brick, very compacted and dried, like with opioid-induced constipation. This may indicate a link to the opioid system in the gastrointestinal tract. However, the opioid oxycodone had no effect on PTSD symptoms, indicating it works by a different pathway. Even if morphine does not work directly on PTSD symptoms, it is still needed for surgery.

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Sigmoid colon has an “S” shape

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Stuck feces #1

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Stuck feces #2

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Stuck feces #3

When triggering of the PTSD finally ends and the body finally shifts from fight-or-flight mode into res-and-digest mode, then the transverse colon may dump a lot of feces at once. For example, one to two feet of feces can be excreted at one time in one very long stool. It may be necessary to relieve oneself multiple times in one day when the release finally happens.

Being more sensitive to cold than heat is a sign of PTSD. This is because exposure to cold triggers the sympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system. People with PTSD also seem to be thin, consistent with the energetically taxing state of remaining in fight-or-flight mode.

Emotional trauma caused by physical violations can cause dissociation and splitting of the consciousness as a coping mechanism. Any sexual abuse, such as rape or incest, usually causes fragmentation of the personality. The experience of the trauma is stored in a fragment of the consciousness that becomes separated and isolated from the main consciousness or personality. Severe fragmentation comes with intense emotional residue. See Spirit Releasement Therapy by William J. Baldwin, D.D.S., Ph.D., 2012, Headline Books, Terra Alta, WV, . Treatment involves identification and integration of the fragment(s). We hold onto trauma. The emotional and physical residues of trauma must both be resolved in order to recover from the trauma fully.

It is hypothesized that signs of PTSD, if severe enough, could be manifested on the body’s largest organ, the skin. There are nerves in the skin and PTSD is damage to the nervous system which may, therefore, be visible in the skin.

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Hair root in skin with innervation by receptor of hair

In the case described here, the subject’s skin has had acne and blemishes since puberty, especially on the face. One infection under the right eye was serious enough to necessitate antibiotics and time off from work. The subject has also had regular outbreaks of unexplained hives for more than 15 years (urticaria, likely stress-induced). In addition, the subject has a propensity to develop ingrown hairs.

PTSD causes nerve damage. Underlying nerve damage, especially when coupled with scarring and other harm such as shaving, waxing or plucking, can lead to inflammation. Indeed, physiologic processes have been discovered linking the immune system and the nervous system. For example, white blood cells express beta 2-adrenergic receptors making them sensitive to changes in autonomic nervous system output (Bruynzeel PL, 1984, Eur. J. Respir. Dis. Suppl., 135:62). Swelling associated with inflammation of the skin can make it difficult or impossible for new hairs to grow through the skin, instead trapping them and causing them to grow in the skin instead of out of the skin.

The ends of many extracted hairs from the subject that were ingrown for a long time appeared split under magnification. It is unclear whether split ends are a cause or effect of ingrown hairs. Scars seem to block hairs from growing out of the skin, making them ingrown and possibly causing the ends of the hairs to split as they become more ingrown. Scars can also contain hairs and follicles that were trapped when the open wound in the skin was sewn closed with stitches and healed over. Scars may also cause ingrown hairs, e.g., by causing inflammation and/or by causing fibrosis and death of hair follicles.

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Ingrown hair with split end

Ingrown hairs eventually can become partially degraded and the follicles can become fibrotic because the body tries to break them down because they are abnormal and causing damage. For example, as hairs become more and more ingrown, the hair follicle may die and become fibrotic. It may also be that fibrosis of the ingrown hair follicle precedes death in addition to or instead of the other way around. It is also possible that nerve damage underlying PTSD causes, or predisposes to, death and then fibrosis of hair follicles and/or fibrosis and then death of hair follicles. For example, a chronic sympathetic nerve signal to the hair follicle could cause death and fibrosis of the follicle, which causes inflammation and ingrown hairs. It does not seem likely that inflammation itself is the cause of fibrosis and death of the hair follicles because the hairs are several millimeters long, indicating that they grew despite the inflammation.

Hair is made of protein that is incredibly stable. Ingrown hairs can, therefore, persist for a long time and cause a vicious cycle of inflammation which, in turn, can cause more ingrown hairs and scarring in a self-perpetuating cycle that continues until the inflammation is gone. Thick skin and fast healing skin and dermis can make it harder for hairs to grow out through the skin, as in this case, thereby exacerbating the problem of ingrown hairs.

The ingrown hair problem in this case was bilateral. For example, both sides of the face in the areas above the corners of the mouth would have an ingrown hair in about the same position at about the same time. The bilateral nature of ingrown hairs in this case of PTSD is evidence that the nerve damage underlying PTSD exacerbates the problem of ingrown hairs. The subject has also exhibited bilateral pustules. For example, a pustule appeared on the left upper arm at the end of November that was swollen full of pus and blood so that it protruded about a quarter of an inch above the surface of the skin. Then on the next day, a similar pustule appeared in a similar location on the right upper arm.

People with PTSD should avoid shaving, waxing, plucking or tweezing to remove hair. It is best to just trim unwanted hairs with scissors made for cutting hair. Scars may require special attention as they may contain trapped ingrown hairs, and scars may cause ingrown hairs by preventing them from growing out through the skin. Any cause or potential cause of inflammation of the skin should be avoided, if possible, and, if not, treated with special caution (e.g., tattooing, piercing, makeup and perfumes).

Numerous ingrown hairs and fibrotic hair follicles were removed from different affected areas of the subject’s body including the scarred chin, the area between the chin and lower lip, the areas above the left and right corners of the mouth, and the vaginal labia. The ingrown hairs were typically about 1-2 mm in length, but some were 3 mm in length or longer, especially in and around the scar on the chin. Samples were saved for future analysis, e.g., electron microscopy. For years following the subject’s nervous breakdown, as many as 10 ingrown hairs a day were removed from areas that had festered for possibly years and even decades judging by how degraded they were and how putrid they smelled.

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3 mm ingrown hair

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Fibrotic ingrown hair 60X magnification

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Fibrotic ingrown hair bulb 100X magnification

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Nonfibrotic ingrown hair bulb 100X magnification

Several scars around the mouth would indicate that the subject was “bitch slapped” or punched in the face on the right and left sides of the mouth as well as below the mouth. The canine tooth pierced through the skin on each side of the mouth leaving scars from the puncture wounds above the corners of the mouth. Four lower teeth appear to have pierced through the skin between the lower lip and chin. The wound was closed with many sutures leaving a couple of irregular scars about an inch long.

Sutures must have a high enough tensile strength to hold skin together until it can grow back together to close the wound. Natural products like silk, cotton and catgut were used until the 1940s. Nylon and Dacron were the first synthetic materials made into sutures, and then polyethylene, polypropylene, polyglycolic acid (Dexon), and polyglactin 910 (Vicryl). Sutures are divided into two groups, absorbable and nonabsorbable.

In the subject of this case study, “absorbable” sutures were not absorbed completely and should never have been used on the face. The body reacted to the sutures, and/or fragments thereof, as foreign bodies that do not belong. The reaction of the body is to try and rid itself of the invader. The foreign body reaction is an inflammatory response that results when immune cells of the body called macrophages are unable to destroy foreign substances that have entered or invaded body tissues. Large numbers of macrophages surround and enclose the target. Other immune cells and fibroblasts surround the macrophages. The resulting granulomas are common in foreign body reactions.

Some parts or segments of the sutures remained and rotted for decades in the subject’s face. The absorbability of “absorbable” sutures depends on factors including age, location (e.g., face), ratio of adipose to muscle tissue and nerves. The face is not a good place to use these sutures, especially since the skin heals quickly to wall off the foreign objects. Pieces of collagenous-looking, incompletely dissolved sutures were extracted from the subject’s face, and samples were saved for future analysis, e.g., gas chromatography – mass spectrometry.

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Suture fragment on forceps at 60X magnification

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Suture fragment on forceps showing bend at 100X magnification

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Suture fragment #2 on end of forceps showing bend at 100X magnification

It appears from the extracted pieces that the “absorbable” sutures were more like little pieces of suture material linked together with dissolvable linkers. But in reality, absorbable sutures made from synthetic polymers are melted and extruded into fine fibers that are then braided into sutures. At least in the subject’s case, fragments of suture material appeared to have been encapsulated as foreign bodies instead of being “absorbed” by the body as intended.

Following removal of putrid ingrown hairs and unabsorbed fragments of “absorbable” stitches from the face of the subject of this case study, there was typically a rash around the affected area, on the forehead, and often the same side of the face. Lesions could even appear on the same side of the neck and abdomen or the entire face and torso. A decreased threshold for being triggered after removal of these stitches in the subject of this case study once again indicates that a peripheral sensory feedback to the ANS is involved in PTSD. Perhaps there is even a linkage between the site of physical injury and the regulator of the sympathetic responsiveness. Such a regulator could be a particular part of the CNS, for example.

Surviving PTSD
The single most important treatment for PTSD, especially PTSD-induced constipation, is drinking lots of clean water and eating a healthy, gluten-free, high-fiber diet of whole foods, preferably organic foods, such as oats, beans, greens (e.g., spinach and cabbage), squash, onions, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, quinoa, vegetables and root vegetables, fruits, and seafood (e.g., wild caught fish and crab legs). For example, eat nuts instead of gummy bears if there are no allergies to the nuts. Probiotics may also help.

See the diet recommended by Dr. Terry Willard, Ph.D., Clinical Herbalist, as part of the Wild Rose Herbal D-Tox 12-Day cleanse ( ). For more advice about living a healthy lifestyle for at least half a century, see Sexiest at 50: PTSD PhD Marie (available at and and ).

Let your food be your medicine, and let your medicine be your food, said Hippocrates, the father of medicine.

See an Herbalist, preferably with experience helping people with PTSD, for herbal therapy that is specific and safe for you considering your health status and history. An experienced Herbalist should also be consulted about things like the amounts of herbal medicines to take, the length of time to take them, and what can and cannot be taken together. Also, beware that any given dosage may need to be adjusted based on the potency of the herbal preparation.

In this case study, herbs that helped to overcome more than two years of PTSD-induced constipation were slippery elm bark and marshmallow root. The marshmallow makes the feces take up water, bulk up and be softer, while the slippery elm bark heals hemorrhoids and mucous membranes and makes everything slide out easier. During constipation, waste that the body is trying to eliminate can get stuck in the intestines and cause inflammation. This makes it stickier and harder for more waste to get through. An herbal cleanse program seemed to help significantly in conjunction with drinking a lot of water (more than a gallon) every day and eating a healthy diet as described above. It is important to avoid eating flours of grains as they create an elimination problem. Try sprouted corn tortillas, for example, to experience the live grain difference.

Despite following a proper diet, drinking more than one gallon of water every day, exercising and taking herbal remedies, PTSD-induced constipation was still an issue following intensive triggers in this case study. When stool softeners, laxatives, and enemas did not work, then it was at times necessary to physically remove the feces from the anus using a gloved hand with a little Vaseline on the fingers. It can be easier in a bathtub full of warm water with Epsom salts, but the cleanup can be messy. Overuse of stool softeners, laxatives and enemas can be detrimental.

Bee balm tincture, garden sage tea and cooling foods like strawberries, cucumbers, mint and cantaloupe helped to alleviate PTSD-induced night sweats, especially when complicated with menopause in this case. Coral calcium was taken along with vitamin D3 and magnesium malate. Yarrow salve and salves containing comfrey, milky stage oats and sage were used to heal the skin, especially the face (see your Herbalist). Arnica massage oil was used to alleviate back and neck pain (beware that arnica can be toxic; see your Herbalist).

Medical marijuana was necessary in this case for pain, nausea, sleeplessness, depression and other symptoms of PTSD. It can take a large amount of marijuana to break the sympathetic response (see PTSD Physiology above). People with PTSD need to be able to grow their own medicines. The subject in this case study moved to Colorado and Nevada to obtain the life-saving medicine she needed. After sleeping three hours a night or less for about a year, the transdermal cannabinol (CBN) patch ( broke the pattern of sleeplessness, and the subject achieved six and eventually even eight hours or more of sleep per night. CBN is a cannabinoid, a compound in cannabis, that results from the degradation of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). CBN has deep relaxing properties that support sleep by allowing your body to fall into a deeper and more restful stage of sleep known as the rapid eye movement (REM) stage. Not only the body, but also the mind is relaxed in the REM state. Quality sleep is known to play a critical role in health.

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Transdermal CBN patch for sleeping

In addition to externally applied patches and flowers that can be smoked, medical marijuana is available in many more forms such as edibles, tinctures, capsules, topicals, concentrates. See The Leafly Guide to Cannabis, A Handbook for the Modern Consumer, the Leafly Team, 2017, Twelve, Hachette Book Group, New York, NY, Cannabis-infused coconut oil was like a miracle cure for PTSD-induced constipation (see more in Personal PTSD Experience below) along with slippery elm bark and marshmallow root as described above.

Chiropractic treatment, massage and physical therapy were also critical to survival and recovery in this case. Techniques such as brain re-training were used. Quantum Neuro Reset Therapy, a method of balancing the brain to resolve the emotional shocks, was used ( Brain wave entrainment, a process of adjusting the brainwaves to a desired frequency, was also used ( For example, if a person is in high alert, a stimulus such as pulsed flashing lights or audio tones can be applied to the brain for some time to change the brain frequency towards the applied stimulus and cause a relaxing effect.

Moderate exercise daily is essential to destress. Exercise should have low impact on the joints (e.g., walking, hiking, bicycling, swimming, and dancing). Music, nice people who are validating, and not invalidating, and plans to look forward to are imperative.

Mezcal works for pain, but like all alcohol should only be used in moderation, and only if you and your liver can handle it. MDMA (the active ingredient of ecstasy 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine) and ayahuasca are more possibilities, although not used in this case. Nitrous oxide may help to relax, especially during dental work.

Personal PTSD Experience
An author of this report, Dr. Marie D. Kube, Ph.D., is also the research subject in the case study described herein. A description of Dr. Kube’s personal experience follows.

My story is a tragedy and a miracle. Despite all my achievements, including having achieved the highest level of education in the country, mine is a story of chronic adversity that has resulted in PTSD. I am getting better and I am doing something about PTSD, as people tend to do when something significant enough happens to them. My books are available in libraries and bookstores and my blogs have an international following.

Even though I did everything, and accomplished and achieved everything, and succeeded at everything that those who have the money and power demanded of me and more, still I have nothing to show for it. I have been persecuted because I believe in God and try hard to follow the Ten Commandments of God in a society, culture, economy that says it believes but that does the opposite of believing in God. My story proves my persecution, which is why those who have the money and power would have me dead. Since I am still here, though, I am sharing my incredible story with you.

In retrospect, I have had PTSD for a long time, most of my life. In pictures of me, that “shell-shocked” look was often present. My high energy level and ability to work so long and hard was because my normal state was fight-or-flight mode. I am as tall as the average American man, my body-mass index (BMI) has always been at the bottom of the normal range, and my chest is almost flat. I danced ballet on pointe until working my way through college was all I could do. I figured out how to remove my ingrown and infected toenails myself.

Even though I already had pretty much every known predisposition to developing PTSD, I was not diagnosed until after I finally ended up with a nervous breakdown after a really bad emergency department visit where our “managed” health insurance made me wait in pain for 10 days to see if antibiotics would work instead of what should have been same day surgery (you can read more of the story at ). Even Wikipedia has cited evidence that antibiotics do not work for a Bartholin gland cyst that has been festering for more than two decades!

The lubricant mixed with spermicide (the surfactant nonoxynol-9) on the latex condoms we had 20-30 years ago got sticky and tacky, especially when mixed with some blood and sweat and leading to many tears. Suddenly the condom got sticky and tacky enough to pull down and roll down the upper edge and bite my vagina, causing a Bartholin gland cyst. His urethra was ripped open so that it was painful to urinate for days afterwards. Sadly, most condoms are not recommended for use with oil-based intimate lubricants that do not get tacky or sticky, ever, no matter what, not even during prolonged sexual activity.

They just drained my Bartholin gland cyst the first time. It is as if they popped the zit but left the core in there to fester. The core then festered over time until the cyst got inflamed enough again to perform the marsupialization surgery. In other words, the way they left me after the first surgery, my Bartholin gland cyst had to get a lot worse again before it could get better. My vaginal gland swelled and hurt every time I became sexually aroused for the next twenty years. This was intense and relentless negative conditioning that took a severe toll on my marriage. See the film A Clockwork Orange (1971 dystopian crime film by Stanley Kubrick based on Anthony Burgess’s 1962 novel) for a violent and graphic depiction of behavior modification involving classic conditioning.

After the surgery, I was diagnosed with PTSD when I went to the pain clinic because I was still hurting immensely, especially since I have also been in several car accidents. Twice I have been hit by drunk drivers, I was hit by a car while attempting to walk across the street when I lived in Switzerland, and I have been hit hard in even more car accidents leaving me with chronic pain, an underlying neuropathy in the left upper back, and a neck so damaged that the pain clinic was recommending neck and back fusion surgery. Even worse, at the time of my diagnosis, PTSD was not an indication for Minnesota’s medical marijuana program, even though it is now.

Marijuana is a plant. It is also the safest drug. There are thousands of years of human experience with the plant documented in the literature, more than one can even read. No one has ever died from marijuana.

Marijuana has saved my life. I could only sleep for three hours a night or less for about a year after my nervous breakdown. It was a transdermal CBN patch from Mary’s Medicinals that allowed me to start sleeping more and more each night until I achieved 6 hours or even more sleep most nights. With marijuana there aren’t side-effects like with man-made drugs.

Common side effects of prescription sleeping pills such as Lunesta, Sonata, Ambien, Rozerem, Halcion may include burning or tingling in the hands, arms, feet or legs; changes in appetite; constipation; diarrhea; difficulty keeping balance; dizziness; daytime drowsiness; dry mouth or throat; gas; headache; heartburn; impairment the next day; mental slowing or problems with attention or memory; stomach pain or tenderness; uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body; unusual dreams; weakness; even sleepwalking ( There can also be allergic reactions to pharmaceuticals as well as detrimental interactions with any other pharmaceuticals a person may be taking.

In Minnesota’s medical marijuana program, unadulterated plant material is not allowed. Smoking marijuana flowers, as human beings have been doing for thousands of years, is not allowed in the state of Minnesota. Minnesota is only certified for pharmaceutical grade and controlled oils and pills, which have side-effects that the plant does not.

A lawyer reported spending $2000/month on Minnesota’s medical marijuana program because that is how much he had to spend in attempt to take enough of the allowed formulations to feel any positive benefits. The side-effects of the formulations made him sick.

If you want to eat marijuana rather than smoking it, then it will take a lot more plant material to achieve similar effects, which is why it costs so much more to medicate by eating than by smoking or vaporizing marijuana. Before the effects of marijuana can be felt, chemical compounds in the plant must be activated by chemically changing them to remove a carboxyl group (decarboxylation). Eating marijuana raw, even a whole bag, will have little effect. To make edibles, the marijuana must be decarboxylated first (e.g., by simmering at a low temperature of 225°F-250°F in organic coconut oil for 6 hours to 3 days). See The Leafly Guide to Cannabis, A Handbook for the Modern Consumer, the Leafly Team, 2017, Twelve, Hachette Book Group, New York, NY,

When consumed, the activated components of marijuana are absorbed through the digestive system rather than directly into the bloodstream, making it take longer to feel any effects. This is another reason why smoking marijuana is a popular form of consumption because effects can be felt almost immediately. Most commercially available cannabis edibles are expensive and filled with sugar and other unhealthy ingredients such as colors, flavors and preservatives formulated by chefs. And edibles fail to capture strain-specific effects and benefits.

A medical marijuana patient in Nevada can purchase an ounce of marijuana at a time, can possess up to 2.5 ounces of marijuana and can even grow their own plants. About $400/month or even less can be the difference between life and death, not to mention quality of life, for a medical marijuana patient in the state of Nevada of the U.S.A. In the state of Colorado, the prices for medical and recreational marijuana are even lower. You can grow more plants in the prairie than in the desert. The Colorado economy has been booming thanks to the marijuana business. They even make more money than planned and they fund their public schools. Everyone wants to live there, and it just keeps getting more and more crowded and competitive.

Sadly, Minnesota’s medical marijuana program will not work for PTSD because their formulations have lower THC levels. Marijuana strains known to be effective for PTSD are sativa strains (not indica), with high THC contents (20%-30%) and profiles of other cannabinoids (e.g., CBD) and terpenes conducive to treating chronic pain, depression, chronic stress or anxiety and promoting euphoria, relaxation and ease and feeling carefree.

Our bodies produce neurotransmitters called endocannabinoids (endogenous cannabinoids) that act on the same receptors as THC. The endocannabinoid system contributes to exercise-induced euphoria, the runner’s high, for example. So, it makes perfect sense that marijuana in general, and certain marijuana strains in particular, can help to retrain the brain that is unbalanced with too much traumatic stress and not enough positive experiences.

Use of marijuana can allow a splitting of consciousness or feelings of observing oneself. For example, you can be having paranoid thoughts and, at the same time, be objective about them. That makes it possible for you to actually laugh about how paranoid you’re being while you’re being so paranoid (see also the story “Big Pharma Gets Stoned” at ). Being able to observe yourself is key to changing how you react to what is done to you, which is why marijuana works for PTSD (see PTSD Physiology above).

Marijuana, also known as cannabis and many other names, contains about a hundred or more chemical compounds called cannabinoids that are not found in any other plant. While THC appears to be the main psychoactive component, other compounds must interact with THC in some complex way because patients who take synthetic THC alone complain that the pharmacological effects differ significantly from those achieved by eating or smoking the plant. For example, cannabichromene is a cannabinoid that is thought to promote the pain-relieving property of THC in addition to being known as a strong anti-fungal, a cytotoxic agent for malignant cells, and an antidepressant.

Different strains of marijuana are known to have vastly different effects, such as relaxed, happy, sleepy, hungry, euphoric, energetic, uplifted, focused, creative. Differences in effects produced by different strains of marijuana can be explained by differences in chemical composition of the different strains. In addition to cannabinoids, the complex essential oil of marijuana also contains chemical compounds called terpenes common in many plant families. Some terpenes present in the essential oil of marijuana are pharmacologically active and may synergize the effects of cannabinoids.

Analyzing the chemical composition of different strains of marijuana and correlating the composition with the physiological and psychological effects would be extremely interesting. For example, the expressed profiles of cannabinoids and terpenes can be measured using gas chromatography and mass spectrometry and can be correlated with biologic effects in humans and even pets. For example, the marijuana strains called Trainwreck and Jack Herer are known to be effective in treating PTSD. It would be incredibly interesting to analyze the underlying chemical compositions responsible for the effects. Knowing the chemical composition correlating with certain effects gives insights into mechanisms of action whereby the effects are produced and can also help predict which strains will be useful for which indications.

Money and privilege, rather than scientific facts and human rights, control the current power structure. Governments controlled by (big pharma) lobbying money still insist that validation of marijuana as a drug is necessary despite thousands of years of human experience! I spent years reading the literature about marijuana as part of my job working for one of the world’s largest pharmaceutical companies in Europe. In fact, I hold patents on novel synthetic compounds designed to mimic cannabinoids like THC. I was so successful that my boss took away my project and gave it to a white male scientist. My new project was to use genomics to make my boss’ experimental drug look good, even though it made the tails fall off mice. But humans do not have tails, he assured me, so it should be fine. Not surprisingly, the human phase I safety trial was prematurely shortened in duration, as I had warned before I left. I had to start over again as a postdoctoral researcher, this time at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.

Minnesota marijuana law is racist, designed to wrongfully imprison black men.
Minnesota marijuana law is against scientific facts.
Minnesota marijuana law is against the most basic human rights.
Minnesota marijuana law is oppression (e.g., by the medical device industry and the medical doctors and even the craft brewers who know that legalization of marijuana will rightfully impact their businesses).
Minnesota marijuana law denies children with seizures, veterans, most of the population the medicine they need.
Minnesota marijuana law encourages the opioid epidemic.
Minnesota marijuana law kills innocent people.
Minnesota marijuana law is against the people.
Minnesota marijuana law is hurting the economy.

“Minnesota nice” comes with a massive dose of passive-aggressive behavior. Minnesota’s passive-aggressive way of dealing with people is abuse that people with PTSD need marijuana to cope with. And if people with PTSD can’t handle the negative effects of people who deal with their frustrations through aggressive behavior towards others who do not deserve it, then nobody should have to be constantly subjected to such an accepted form of violence. No wonder transplants from places like California, Chicago, Colorado and Florida have already left or are trying to leave. The state of Minnesota seems to be discouraging transplants. For example, it takes more than four months to receive a driver’s license transferred from another state of the same country, while a renewed driver’s license is received in less than two weeks. “It’s a new system,” they said as they put another stamp on my temporary license that made it even less likely to be accepted anywhere.

I tell businesses that I have PTSD to try and prevent them from triggering me. It just seems to make them trigger me even more. Where is the education for how to treat people with PTSD? For example, why do American business practices have to be so exploitatively dominating whether it is an auto care or healthcare facility?

I took my PTSD diagnosis as an insult for months, and no one else believed it either. But eventually we read and learned enough to have to accept that I do have PTSD. And the people who knew me started saying, “oh, so that’s what’s wrong with you,” instead of “no, you don’t have PTSD.” Eventually I went back to the pain clinic to thank them, especially since they had shared with me how distraught they were that they could never really help anyone. I decided my label was useful to help me get better.

Instead of neck and back fusion surgery accompanied by great risk of opioid addiction, I underwent Spinal Decompression Therapy, a non-surgical alternative for disc related syndromes of the lumbar and cervical spine. Chiropractors, physical therapists, massage therapists, and herbalists all helped me immensely. I eat a healthy diet of natural whole foods and practice low-impact exercises daily such as yoga, walking, hiking, gardening and dancing. See my book, Sexiest at 50: PTSD PhD Marie (available at and and for more advice about eating a healthy diet and living a healthy lifestyle.

I suffered from PTSD-induced constipation for almost three years. PTSD-induced constipation is like opioid-induced constipation. During the first two years after I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was so constipated that my anus was painfully dilated for days at a time. I strained so much and tried to induce bowel movements in every way (e.g., stool softeners, enemas, laxatives) until I had external and internal hemorrhoids, and both were bleeding. I stopped eating and I was even suicidal. I found that not eating when triggered is worse than eating, but eating the wrong thing(s) or eating too much is worse than not eating. Even when I did have a bowel movement, the feces were so large and hard that they were not flushable in any toilet and had to be thrown into the trash can.

My sister’s experience as a nurses’ aide included having to dig feces (shit) out of patients’ assholes when it was stuck in there and could not come out the normal way. This was one of the most life-saving pieces of information that she shared with me. Dig the shit out of your ass, if necessary. It is easier when wearing a nitrile examination glove on your hand with a little Vaseline on the fingers. It is also easier in a bathtub full of warm water with Epsom salts, but the cleanup can be messy.

The best way that I have found to deal with the PTSD-induced constipation is to drink more than one gallon of clean water every day, exercise and adhere to a healthy diet of real food. Let your food be your medicine and let your medicine be your food, said Hippocrates, the father of medicine. Even adhering to an incredibly disciplined diet of delicious and nutritious foods, PTSD-induced constipation can be a serious issue in the face of severe enough and/or persistent enough triggers. Herbal remedies can help a lot (see “Surviving PTSD” above).

My right Bartholin gland was so swollen for so long that my vaginal labia on the right side and the lymph node responsible for clearing the area were swollen and painful, too. When the swelling finally went down, there were numerous ingrown hairs in the vaginal labia, major and minor, and the crease in between. Some of the ingrown hairs were buried so deep for so long that they appeared to be partially degraded, and the hair follicles appeared fibrotic. All the swelling in the area may have prevented the hairs from growing out of the skin, instead becoming buried in and growing into the skin. Laser ablation surgery during the early 1990’s to remove papilloma virus from my vaginal labia left deep scars that probably also contributed to the problems. As the swelling went down and the ingrown hairs were removed, the whole area eventually cleared up.

Several scars around my mouth indicate that I was “bitch slapped” or punched in the face on the right and left sides of the mouth as well as below the mouth. Each of my canine teeth pierced through my face leaving scars above both corners of my mouth from the puncture wounds. The punch below the mouth was so hard that my four lower teeth appear to have pierced through the skin between my lower lip and chin necessitating several stitches and leaving irregular scars about an inch long. “Absorbable” sutures were apparently used that were not absorbed completely. I do not remember getting those stitches.

The sutures were incompletely and non-homogeneously broken down based on the multitude of fragments removed around the scar between my lower lip and chin. The fragments of sutures that were not absorbed caused inflammatory responses, called foreign body reactions, that lasted for decades and caused hypersensitivity leading to future suture rejections. One fragment was an incompletely dissolved knot that had a stench rotten enough to attract five flies outside within minutes. The smell is putrid like pus, a buildup of long-dead white blood cells. Following removal of the deepest pieces, there was profuse bleeding for about 30 minutes or more, enough to saturate a wash cloth.

DSC06085 cropped low 72 res

Profuse bleeding from a small hole left after removal of a suture fragment

Removal of incomplete suture degradation products released toxins into my blood. I woke up in the middle of the night in a neck spasm that turned the right side of my neck into rock-hard knots. The large muscle going down the back and up into the right side of the neck was in total spasm. I stopped breathing twice that night. Michael woke me up. My neck was inflamed for days. I could hardly sleep or walk or sit or do anything for several days. Removal of suture pieces went on for months.

Getting punched in the face can cause pain, suffering, disfigurement, scarring, inflammation and other problems such as self-esteem problems for the rest of your life.

A fall on my lower right chin during childhood necessitated sutures and was poorly sewn up. The wound closed over, but the scar and surrounding area remained swollen and tender for decades. When I had several moles removed from my upper torso during my late forties, the sutures were rejected by my immune system and had to be removed from the inflamed and pus-filled wounds. It is likely that the sutures used to stitch the puncture wounds left after removing the moles were made of the same material as the sutures that had been used to stitch my face during childhood. Following a nervous breakdown at age 48, my chin scar became inflamed and filled with pus. Several small remnants of the sutures were removed that were left by the bone when the sutures were pulled out decades earlier. It is also possible that these stitches were “absorbable” stitches that failed to absorb.

War is responsible for my PTSD. Born in Germany in 1935 and 1940, my parents were just little children who were bombed during World War II. They survived to live in the aftermath where there was not enough food to eat and they burned their furniture to stay warm. The children played with the money like toys because it was that worthless. I blame the war for destroying my parents and my family and my life.

After the war, there was a demand for the German scientists in North America, so I was born in Canada shortly after my father finished his Ph.D. in geology and his field work in Germany and landed his first job in Saskatchewan. The next job moved us to New Mexico, USA when I was three and started to downhill ski. In 1972, when I was 5 years old, we moved to Denver, Colorado where I eventually graduated from high school in the Denver Public School system. My older sister and I were bullied relentlessly from kindergarten through high school graduation in the Denver Public Schools. Our parents wrote and spoke English well, but with a German accent, and we had German names. I finally switched my first and middle names, Dagmar Marie, during my divorce, since the bullying never stopped. We were different, so we were bullied. When we got on the bus for the 45-minute ride to our school in the ghetto downtown, all the kids chanted “Nazi, Nazi, Nazi” and the black bus driver and bus aide did nothing. The other kids would not even let us sit down anywhere.

I was beat up by a gang of Chicanas in grade school and I got a concussion. It was one of the few times I saw my only surviving grandparent as she arrived for her visit from Germany that day. I remember laying on the couch when she arrived from the airport and seeing several of her as I could not focus my eyes and didn’t know if I ever would be able to again or not.

In junior high school, I was stuck in the butt with an ice pick while waiting to enter the cafeteria for lunch. We were not allowed to go outside because it was too dangerous in the ghetto for white people, especially girls. At 15 years old, I was given alcohol to drink and raped by my teacher, and that is how I lost my virginity. At 16 years old, I started smoking cigarettes. I never got invited to a school dance, never. I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school because I believed that people would grow up and become nicer. But then my father lost his job when the oil and gas industry laid off thousands of geologists all at once.

By 18 years old, I was on my own. I lived with my boyfriend who was also my boss at the fast food restaurant where I worked. He beat me up so badly that the neighbors called the police to come and stop him. Luckily, I was able to lock myself in the bathroom until the police arrived and, once again, I survived.

Despite having significant hearing loss in one ear leading to auditory processing disorder, I paid for my bachelor’s degree in chemistry with a minor in mathematics all by myself. I earned almost straight A’s and a lot of honors along the way. I am a philosophical doctor now and I have never taken out any student loans. It took me five years instead of the usual four to earn my bachelor’s degree. I worked four or five different part-time jobs at a time, mostly as a cocktail waitress getting abused by drunk men and women. Working in restaurants kept me fed, albeit barely at times. I was so stressed out that I ground my teeth at night until my jaw hurt in the morning and the gums receded from the surfaces of my teeth leaving the nerves painfully exposed. After I graduated from college I got a “real” job and moved to another state all by myself. But first I had to have an abortion.

When I started my first real job at a pharmaceutical company in a red state, I was so abused by my boss that she eventually had to leave the company. I was the fourth underling she had destroyed and the only one who could do anything about it. I remember crying so hard on the way home from work many evenings that it was difficult to drive. I went on to develop the formulation for Humalog®, a rapid-acting insulin product still being used by diabetics today, after they demoted me from research to development. They loved all the money and careers I made for them; they just did not like my methods of honesty, integrity, transparency and true merit.

The drugging and raping did not stop until shortly before I was married at 28 years of age. I believe that drugs were mixed with my drinks and/or foods so that I would not be aware or remember the events. I was always confused when I awoke, and I felt like I had been heavily drugged because I had headaches and was hungover and violated and could not concentrate properly. I believe I was most likely drugged with flunitrazepam, also called Rohypnol, based on its known effects including impaired psychomotor function and anterograde amnesia. In fact, flunitrazepam is known to be used in drug-facilitated sexual assault.

I learned karate to defend myself at a young age in elementary school. As a young adult I later warded off one of my would-be-rapists with a shotgun. I had pet dogs most of my life to help me and protect me. I would have died of diarrhea alone in Mexico if not for the nice English teacher I met on the beach. He brought me tetracycline to take after I could no longer leave my room or even drink a glass of liquid without having diarrhea almost immediately afterwards.

I was raped by different men in different countries and sometimes more than one person at a time. One time, a lower dose of drug was used, and I could open my eyes just enough of a slit to see the shoes and ankles of the woman in whose home I was staying. I also realized that I was on a table and at least two people were having sex with my body. I saw the shoes leave the room. I couldn’t move.

A medical doctor told me that women like me who have been raped are not capable of a normal relationship. However, I was married to the love of my life for over 20 years before my nervous breakdown (you can read more of our story at ). My grandfather-in-law had fought against my people during WWII, and my mother-in-law lived with the USA occupation forces in post-war Germany when she was just a little girl. My wedding was a clash of cultures, to say the least, even though we all look similar, we all have an American passport and we all have similar socioeconomic status. We should have just eloped, but we honored our family and friends.

My husband was wrongfully injured due to sick building syndrome, which cost him his career (you can read the story at ). I got sick during graduate school as well. We both still suffer consequences of our exposures to molds, chemicals, biohazards, and radioactivity in the name of science that is immoral and unethical and unbecoming of Christians.

The list of achievements necessary to become an independent researcher or, eventually, just to be able to eat, was always increasing in length and unreasonableness as the baby boomers relentlessly oppressed Generation X and reneged on every promise. It is easier for them to try and kill us than for us to complain about it. People with business degrees who know nothing about science have been put in charge by greed, and people have died and are dying because of it.

After earning my PhD degree in microbiology and immunology, I went to an ivy league school, finally, for my first temporary position as a postdoctoral researcher. But I correctly predicted that the research I witnessed there would lead to death of human gene therapy research subject(s) (you can read the story at ). I left there and went back to my PhD mentor’s lab. The head of my department came and threatened me and my mentor that people cannot just quit and leave a lab, let alone say such things about such a powerful and famous scientist. They thought I was crazy. But within two years, 18-year-old Jesse Gelsinger became the first person publicly identified as having died in a clinical trial for gene therapy just as I had warned.

I developed uterine fibroids that got worse and worse until my uterus was finally removed. The fibroids bled so much for at least two weeks every month that I ended up with anemia (11.8 g/dl hemoglobin when the normal range is 12-16 g/dl). No matter how many pads or tampons I used and no matter how big they were, there was always blood spilled everywhere. I woke up during my total vaginal hysterectomy on October 20, 2010 because they had to yank so hard to remove the mangled womb from my body. There were at least seven fibroids that were each 1.1 cm to 5 cm in diameter. I had a hard time waking up after the surgery, especially with the extra dose of anesthetic used to put me back under again after I awoke during the operation. I finally woke up enough only to throw up. Uterine fibroids are most likely a side effect of taking birth control pills.

I was so shamed and blamed in my life that it caused fragmentation of my personality. My coping mechanism was to split off parts of my consciousness that were aware of trauma and simply go on with my life as if nothing had happened. I feel like I became an actress out of necessity to survive, and not because I was trying to play games with people or be deceiving or dishonest in any way. I simply tried my best to be what people wanted me to be. I always said, “I’m sorry.” I never knew that people considered me beautiful and that that was one of my biggest problems. I saw that the beautiful people were popular and had an easy time getting jobs, friends, money, attention, and whatever they wanted. I was always treated poorly, exploited and taken advantage of because I am nice and “the nice guy finishes last.”

Eventually it all caught up to me. My consciousness could not be split anymore. Integration of the fragments of my consciousness has involved changes in my voice, language and even grammar. I started writing what I wanted to say instead of what employers or clients or investors wanted me to say. My two websites ( and ) show my split personality. I use the Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition (available at and at to heal my fractures with help also from my spiritual advisors and shamans.
I have had a hard time finding psychologists and psychiatrists that are effective at helping me. If PTSD therapy is so effective, then why are people with PTSD killing themselves every day? And why are there so many graduates with psychology degrees? And why are so many people with psychology degrees trying to become nurses?
For example, a newly married and pregnant young woman is not an appropriate leader of a grief group for widows and widowers, regardless of what kinds of degrees or certifications she has! And the reason why Marsha Linehan is royalty in the field of psychology is because she figured out how to help herself and others like her.

So, it hurts me especially that so-called friends and family abandoned me and told my ex-husband to do the same when I needed help so that I would be forced to go to the psychologists whom they recommended. But who was going to pay those people a lot of money to talk to me? And do you really think I want to talk to someone who will only talk to me if they get paid a lot of money to do so? I do not see how someone suffering with PTSD could benefit from expensive and invalidating “talk therapy” led by someone who never had PTSD and has no idea what it is like.

It is also hard to trust psychiatrists who are testing drugs on people with PTSD when they have wrongly concluded that PTSD is primarily a mental disorder. The fact that these doctors are experimenting with humans under a false paradigm is evident by their lack of success despite ample funding and publications. To admit they are wrong would cost them their funding, careers, and livelihoods, in clear conflict of interest. An accomplished scientist like me with PTSD gets nothing while others make lucrative careers researching and treating a condition they obviously misunderstand, making them and their falsities ineffective at best and detrimental at worst. They even threatened to use drugs to erase my mind because I could not process the trauma anymore.

Supposed friends asked my ex-husband why he was helping me when no one else would. People who do not help others do not get to go to heaven. See Luke 10:29 for the good Samaritan parable about being a good person.

Love saved me. I forgive those who didn’t, for they surely knew not what they were doing. And that is why I am writing this report. And that must be why the good Lord let me get PTSD.

When I was the most hurt, heartbroken, and disabled with the stigmatized PTSD diagnosis and nowhere to go, my closest friends told me that being a waitress was the best thing for people like me. Serving food and cocktails for tips was one of four or five jobs I did at a time to pay for my undergraduate chemistry degree. I also taught organic chemistry laboratories part-time at the university. But now no one will hire me to be a waitress, or even a laboratory assistant or any job that I am overqualified for, which seems to be all of them. Not that being “overqualified” is a legitimate reason not to hire someone, especially in fields such as science and education. Yet people with only a master’s or bachelor’s degree have been getting away with “no PhDs need apply!” And when privilege overpowers merit, then people die! A career counselor advised me to “dumb down” my resume in California this summer because she has so many PhD’s already that she cannot find jobs for.

Now that I am a doctor and have dedicated my life to helping people, it hurts to be so disrespected by those closest to me whom I have even served. The emotional shocks have been sanity-defying and life-threatening. American culture has stigmatized PTSD immensely, and the ways in which the American people deal with those who have PTSD are destructive. Because people who have PTSD are not at fault and are not to blame for their condition, the disgracefully poor treatment of this population must surely be born out of ignorance and falsities propagated by the guilty and greedy warmongers who are responsible for the atrocities that cause conditions like PTSD.

The ways that Americans deal with PTSD are invalidating and make it worse and induce suppression and drive people with PTSD to suicide that is more akin to murder. Stigma protects the perpetrators and harms the victims. For example, suppression and oppression ensure that no one speaks up. And if no one speaks up, then problems like rape simply do not exist. At the time when I was first raped at 15 years old, the punishment was only a misdemeanor, and then only in the rare cases that could be proven.

American culture is competitive and materialistic, celebrating selfishness and over-indulgence. Those who are ahead are held back relentlessly instead of being nurtured. People think of themselves as Christians, but they do not really believe. They do not even follow the Ten Commandments. They say “I love you” too easily and without meaning. They “love” you like they “love” your shoes or that television show. Lying, cheating, and stealing are rewarded. Donald Trump is the President of the U.S.A.

“Social withdrawal is a hallmark of PTSD,” I read in the literature as I was preparing to write this report within weeks of erasing my Facebook account. Except for a few angels, my social network seemed less like support and respect and more like bullying and invalidation and exploitation and competition and oppression. What was in it for them? Supposed family and friends turned me away when I was fighting for my life, even after my husband and I had been there for them through thick and thin and at our own expense. I have almost used up my life savings and I am still trying to figure out how to make it, despite all my accomplishments.

People are dishonest and lie and pretend to like me and even say that they love me when in reality they have nothing but ill feelings towards me and bad thoughts about me because they are jealous, because I am German-American, because I am not fat, because I am a doctor and/or because their husbands want to have sex with me. Me not being interested in their husbands only makes it worse. Why don’t they just lose weight and work on feeling better about themselves rather than taking it all out on me just because I am nice?

PTSD is like the ultimate blunt force trauma that is not so visible from the outside, making it even more deadly. People think that if you look fine, then you should be fine and if you are not fine, then it must be your fault. Further, people seem to believe that bad things only happen to bad people. But then they must not believe in Jesus Christ, and they cannot honestly call themselves Christians!

My career ended when the CEO of the startup company I worked for paid himself with investors’ money but did not pay the people and companies who were doing the important work required by the FDA. I tried hard to get a job the first couple of years after I was laid off. Unemployment was demoralizing. I started gardening and reading more about herbal medicines and spirituality. After having been paid a lot of money in the past to write what others wanted me to say, I finally started writing more of what I wanted to say, a lot more. With Michael’s help I have now published 2 books, 2 blogs, and a magazine. Our books are available at and and

For those of us with PTSD it is controversial whether to confront stressors, but I have no choice because mine are so pervasive. I would say to avoid what you can and deal with what you have to with as much support as you can get. One time I was triggered so badly when I again lost my home and had to find another place to live that I passed out completely. Other times I couldn’t walk when sufficiently triggered and I did not know if I would ever be able to walk (or dance) again. Still, I am getting better every day and I am living my life. I thank God, my ex-husband, my sister, my brother-in-law, herbalists, chiropractors, spiritual advisors, shamans and dancers for saving my life. If you cannot rely on people, then you can always rely on God (see the Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition at

Live or Cry; Laugh or Die

The information reported here is not intended for publication in a peer-reviewed scientific journal for several reasons. First, it takes too long, and this report contains important information to save lives and reduce morbidity. Second, contributors to this work have already published results of much other scientific research in some of the world’s best scientific journals, but hardly anyone seems capable of understanding most of the information, let alone the ramifications thereof. Third, the peer-review process has been broken by conflicts of interest, greed, privilege, oppression and other such tactics unbecoming of a profession that purports to be noble. This is especially true in the case of PTSD because the same institutions that cause the problem are the ones that fund the research, education, and literature about it, in clear conflicts of interest. Contributors to this work also hold granted patents on other subjects (not just provisional patent applications that were abandoned after the one-year provisional period for lack of utility) and do not, therefore, intend to patent any of this work because they believe in truly helping people rather than making themselves rich.

Lots of Love,

Marie and Michael

Quimby’s Bookstore

Quimby’s Bookstore has Marie Kube’s books and zines!

Dearest Readers,

Quimby’s Bookstore has our books and zines for sale now! Quimby’s Bookstore sells the most progressive, forward-thinking publications. Please stop by Quimby’s and ask for Marie Kube’s books. Our goal is to offer our books for sale at bookstores for the same price or much less than on online. This is because I have a special understanding of the need for independent bookstores since my grandfather owned a bookstore in Berlin, Germany that was destroyed in World War II.

Please visit Quimby’s Bookstore at:
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“Unusual publications, aberrant periodicals, saucy comic books, assorted fancies…plus tons o’ zines”

And if you are in the Detroit, Michigan metro area, then you can also find our books for sale at the Book Beat in Oak Park, Michigan (click here for more information).

Thank you for your support!



Three Centimeter Incision

WARNING:  This story contains graphic descriptions of medical procedures gone wrong!

Most Intimate Reader,

Most people get PTSD from an event.  It was the circumstances around the second surgery on my right Bartholin gland cyst that caused my nervous breakdown and the biggest challenge I have faced yet in my quest to survive and make this world a better place.

Sure, I got drugged and raped starting when I was 15 until I got married at 28 years old.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one.  Sure, I got beat up by a gang of kids in grade school and ended up with a concussion.  That’s typical.  Sure, I got beat up by the first boyfriend I lived with when I was 18 years old.  It was so bad that the police came, thankfully.  It happens all the time.  Sure, I was impregnated against my will when I couldn’t even take care of myself let alone a baby, and he paid for the abortion.  Again, I am far from alone in that hell.  Sure, I got laid off, along with myriad others.  Sure, I woke up during my hysterectomy because they had to yank so hard to get my uterus out it was so riddled with fibroids after they waited too long and let me bleed until I was anemic before they finally removed it.  But it was the circumstances around the 3-cm incision in my vaginal mucosa years later that really pushed me over the edge and ended my marriage.

When I finally got together with the Archangel Michael himself, I fell so madly in love with him that I stayed with him and only him for 20 years.  Extreme circumstances finally broke us apart, and that’s what this story is about.

When Michael and I started dating, neither of us had had enough sex for way too long.  We, therefore, had a lot of sex together for extended periods of time.  He was a bicyclist and I was a dancer.  Even though Michael was quite ill and had profuse sweating and gastrointestinal distress, we managed to have as much sex as two graduate students could have, which was a lot for such a young and physically fit couple.

Just as Michael was becoming too ill to sustain our active sex life, I woke up more than a little sore after sex the night before.  In fact, it hurt to walk.  I went to the student health center on campus.  The doctor examined me and told me to drive myself directly to the hospital where he would meet me to perform surgery to save my life.

“But I have a final exam,” I informed him.

“You’re not going to be taking any exams today,” he assured me.

We didn’t have cell phones in those days, but I was able to leave a message for Michael with the technician in the laboratory where he worked.   

As graduate students, we did not have health insurance, for all practical purposes.  I remember the burden of paying a mandatory $300/year fee (that was a lot of money in the 1990’s), but that fee only covered the part where I saw the doctor on campus and he told me to drive myself to the hospital, which I did.  He met me there and he, or his resident (trainee), performed an incision and drainage of my right Bartholin gland cyst.  Michael showed up just as they were taking me into surgery, and I loved him even more. 

Have you never heard of a Bartholin gland before?  Well, don’t feel bad because neither had we and we were graduate students working on our PhD degrees, and Michael had already completed the first half of medical school and passed the boards.   

Bartholin glands were first described in the 17th century by the Danish anatomist Caspar Bartholin the Younger (1655-1738).  The Bartholin glands are two pea sized glands located slightly posterior and to the left and right of the opening of the vagina.  Bartholin glands secrete relatively minute amounts of fluid when a woman is sexually aroused.  The fluid may slightly moisten the labial opening of the vagina, serving to make contact with this sensitive area more comfortable.  It is possible for the Bartholin glands to become blocked and inflamed resulting in pain.  This is known as a Bartholin gland cyst.  A Bartholin cyst in turn can become infected and form an abscess.  Marsupialization is the surgical technique of cutting a slit into an abscess or cyst and suturing the edges of the slit to form a continuous surface from the exterior surface to the interior surface of the cyst or abscess.  Sutured in this fashion, the site remains open and can drain freely.  This technique is used to treat a cyst or abscess when a single draining would not be effective and complete removal of the surrounding structure would not be desirable.  Wikipedia 

What I am trying to explain is that I sustained a life-threatening injury from sex due to the nature of his anatomy together with mine necessitating special care and extra lubrication, especially during prolonged sexual activity.  We rubbed each other the wrong way, you could say. 

We had no idea. 

The surgeon gave me a special deal of only $500 to pay for the surgery, since he had a penchant for dedicated graduate students like me or felt sorry for me, however you want to look at it. 

I soaked in the bathtub, refrained from sex, and took care of my wound until it was all healed up.  I arranged to make up my final exam and I got an A+.  I married the love of my life.  Everything was fine, or so I thought. 

What the surgeon only told Michael and not me is that all of the cyst could not be removed.  It would inevitably, eventually become inflamed and infected once again and require another surgery once we had enough sex to irritate the gland again sufficiently so that the remaining cyst could be visualized and removed.   

Maybe Michael tried to tell me what the surgeon had told him, but my mind rejected the horror.  We lived under the threat of irritating my gland forever after.  It hurt, it was sore, it was festering.  We would wait for the angry gland to settle down before having sex again.  Sometimes we waited a long time.   

It was 20 years before I had to have the second surgery of my right Bartholin gland cyst.  My gland finally got taken care of for good, but in the process, I ended up with a whole new problem:  PTSD.  It’s like taking your car to a crooked mechanic who fixes one thing and breaks another to make sure you’ll be back soon, especially if you are a girl, and even more especially if you are a cute girl.   

Once a Bartholin gland cyst gets really bad, it gets really bad.  You cannot even imagine so much pain in the part of your body that’s the most sensitive and intimate.  We went to the emergency room after speaking with representatives of our insurance company, the state employee group insurance program.  We also spoke with a representative of our insurance company’s preferred provider.  We asked them to send us to a hospital where we could have same-day surgery.  Instead, they sent us to the hospital with all the homeless people loitering around in downtown Saint Paul, Minnesota.   

I was violated in the emergency room (ER) after they forced Michael to leave the room so I could be questioned about rape.  At the same time, the ER doctor shoved a speculum into my inflamed vagina, pressing the cold steel hard against the painful cyst on the right side.  Then he torqued the handles to open my vagina up wide.  I didn’t give him the satisfaction of screaming, even after he poked and prodded around in there just to make sure I understood exactly how much medical doctors hate philosophical doctors.   

Even though we requested same-day surgery, the ER doctor treated me like a drug-seeker.  He refused to prescribe me morphine, even though they would make me wait 10 days for the surgery.  Michael and I both thought the cyst was way larger than the ER doctor claimed it was.  Perhaps he did so in order to justify the wait while I had to take antibiotics to see if the cyst would go away.  I wonder if the doctors get paid a bonus based on how well the healthcare organization does financially? 

The ER doctor told me there was no such thing as morphine that was not tainted with acetaminophen.  I told him I discovered drugs at pharmaceutical companies and of course there were pills that were only morphine, without acetaminophen.  I cannot tolerate acetaminophen because it is very damaging to the liver.  But he refused to prescribe me morphine and would only prescribe the opioid oxycodone tainted with acetaminophen (aka Tylenol).   

During the 10-day waiting period, I quickly became so desperate that I took the prescribed opioid poisoned with acetaminophen.  Then I suffered from liver poisoning, with nausea and vomiting, for days afterwards on top of the already unbearable condition I was in.   

After 10 torturous days, Michael drove me to the hospital for my surgery.  He had to work.  I had to wait all day and then a different surgeon finally showed up because the one who was going to do my surgery was sick that day. 

Description of operation:

Patient was met preoperatively (for the first time).  Consent was signed.  She was taken to the OR where satisfactory anesthesia was established.  She was placed in dorsal lithotomy position using Allen stirrups ensuring proper positioning and cushioning.  A time out was performed. 

A 3-cm incision was made in the vaginal mucosa down to where the cyst was.  The cyst was incised and straw colored thick clear fluid was noted.  A culture was obtained.  The cyst was then irrigated with betadine and normal saline.  A small piece of the cyst wall was sutured to the vaginal mucosa with interrupted 4.0 vicryl.  Approximately 8 stitches were placed.  The site was noted to be hemostatic.  The procedure was then completed. 

There were no surgical or anesthetic complications. 

When I awoke from the surgery, I had difficulty talking because my lip and tongue were so swollen from being bit so hard during the surgery because it was so incredibly painful even under full anesthesia.  The surgeon did not even talk to me afterwards.  The nurse told me she had had a Bartholin gland cyst, too.  Michael took me home.   

During the follow up visit with the surgeon who was originally scheduled to perform the surgery but didn’t because she was sick that day, she shoved her finger deep and hard into my wound while saying to me that maybe I could at least refrain from having sex for the next two weeks.  Almost two years later now, it still hurts when I think about it.  She also emphasized nastily to me that it was two different cysts, not the same one for 20 years, although that is so rare, even by her own admission.  It seemed like she was bullying me because they were so afraid of a lawsuit about this case.  Now that’s hitting below the belt! 

From the perspective of a PhD, who trained even longer than MDs and worked more hours for less pay and no job security, it seems like what doctors really care about is their large incomes and any threats to them, like malpractice lawsuits.  They don’t really care about you so much.  If they do, then why don’t other medical care practitioners who have as much life-or-death decision-making responsibility get paid almost as much?  Or maybe it is the ability to perform emergency work under pressure, in which case it is not understandable that first responders get paid so little or are even volunteers, especially when they are putting their own lives at risk far more than virtually all doctors.   

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD not long after the surgery, no one believed it, least of all me.  I thought I was being insulted, as usual.  I was shamed and blamed.  I thought, see, I’m fine.  I started reading the literature to prove them wrong and eventually had to face up to the fact that I do have PTSD.  I was badly injured.  I needed help for the first time in my life.  That was perhaps the hardest part for me, especially since the only one who ultimately could or would help me, Michael, was the last person I wanted to be dependent on because he was a primary trigger of my PTSD! 

It has been rough, to say the least.  People with PTSD kill themselves every day because it is so unbearable.  I have stayed alive because I believe that consciousness survives physical death.  Death would, therefore, take away only the physical pain and not the mental anguish.  I decided that the way out is the way through.  It’s working!  I am just fine and can still enjoy sex just fine, too, thank you! 

I believe I am still alive because I love God above all, because Michael and I are doctors, because our love is true, and because of dancing.  I am also alive because medical marijuana is so helpful for PTSD as well as chronic pain, especially pain with underlying neuropathy, which I also suffer from after being hit by too many cars and drunk drivers.  I was t-boned one Christmas, I was hit by a speeding vehicle and knocked into the air while walking across the street in Basel, I was rear-ended by a drunk and drugged driver in Brooklyn Park and again by an antique driver in Denver, none of which was my fault!  I found chiropractors (even a specialist in PTSD), physical therapists and massage therapists who help immensely.  You can check my first blog post for more advice about how to survive PTSD.   

Mary is free of original sin because of immaculate conception but still must deal with all the same temptations of this evil world as everybody else.  I need a savior as much as anyone or even more. 

Thanks for reading my story.  May God bless you. 

3 cm incision crop

Sexy Miami Beach – Florida Keys Pictures

Blessed Mary turns 50!

My Dearest Readers,

Enjoy Southern Florida while it lasts (before it is immersed in the rising ocean waters)!  I know I did!  Here are some pictures from my 50th birthday in sexy Southern Florida (plus one of my ballet pictures from a long time ago).

Marie Ballerina on Toes scanned at 300 jpeg






















If you liked these sexy pictures, then you will love my new book, “Sexiest at 50: PTSD PhD Marie” with even more sexy pictures now available on

I love you!

Scenes from Mexico City 2016, Our Lady of Guadalupe Day and Night

Merry Christmas,

  • Albania, Algeria, Antigua & Barbuda, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bermuda, Brazil, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cyprus, Denmark, Egypt, Estonia, European Union, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Honduras, Hong Kong SAR China, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Norway, Pakistan, Paraguay, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Thailand, Trinidad & Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Kingdom, United States of America, Vietnam, and Zambia,

All are welcome, always. As readers from more countries join, you will always be welcome.

The Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe celebrates me, Mary, or Marie in Europe, the mother of God. The main event in Mexico City, Mexico, occurs at midnight just between December 11 and December 12. That is because a miracle occurred here on December 12, 1531, 485 years ago. My beloved Mexican people keep the faith strong by making the pilgrimage to Mexico City each and every year, faithfully, to see an image of me from 485 years ago left on the cloak, or tilma, of a peasant named Juan Diego. Millions of believers do not sleep at midnight on December 11; they wait for December 12.

It certainly was an historic event this year of 2016 as I was present, incarnated here on this earth in the body of a German-American woman, yet not at all unlike that image of Our Lady of Guadalupe worth billions. Even better, the Mexican people realize that Mary has appeared all over the world and is not necessarily Mexican.

Thanks to Francisco, bless you, I was present at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe on the afternoon of December 11, 2016, leading up to the main event. This place has at least 20 million annual visitors, especially around 12 December.



We moseyed our way along for hours with the masses after finding a place to park (good luck!).


Francisco was so patient and pleasant the whole time because he is a believer and understands that there was nothing more important at that time. I am so grateful.

The new Basilica (1976) houses the original tilma, or cloak, of Juan Diego, which holds an image of me when I was here 485 years ago. I first appeared to a Mexican peasant named Juan Diego on December 9, 1531, on a hill northwest of Mexico City called Tepeyac. I identified myself to him as the mother of God and he believed me. I asked Juan Diego to have the bishop build me a little house, a casita, on the hill. I told him that there I would hear the weeping of my people and feel their sorrows so that I could help the Lord to remedy and alleviate their multiple sufferings, necessities, and misfortunes. And this is exactly what is happening right now.

But the bishop did not believe Juan Diego. So Juan Diego returned to his field where again I appeared to him with the same message. The second time Juan Diego went to the bishop, on December 10, the bishop asked for a miraculous sign. I agreed to provide one on the following day, December 11, but Juan Diego failed to meet me because he was obliged to attend to his ill uncle. In the very early hours of December 12, when Juan Diego hurried out to fetch a priest for fear his uncle was dying, he went around the hill to try and avoid me because he did not want to be delayed and because he felt ashamed that he had stood me up. When I intercepted him and he explained what had happened, I chided him gently for not coming to me.

¿No estoy yo aquí que soy tu madre?

Am I not here, I who am your mother?


I told him that his uncle would be fine and that he should gather flowers at the top of the hill. Miraculously, Juan Diego found roses blooming on the hill in December, and I arranged the flowers in his tilma. A tilma is an indigenous cape that may be made of agave popotule fiber from the ixtle plant. The tilma should have deteriorated long ago but shows no sign of decay after over 485 years.


By the way, this story is described in the Nican Mopohua, a 16th century document written in the native Nahuatl language.

When Juan Diego opened his tilma before archbishop Zumarraga on December 12, the flowers fell to the floor and my image was there on the inside of the cloak.


Why did I appear to a peasant? Because God always chooses the people the world rejects.

Meet Emilio. Emilio is super smart, and when I asked him if I could have his picture, he said I had to be in it, too. How could I say no? My Spanish is not that great, but I am pretty sure he said that he had studied astronomy. Nevertheless, they would not give him a job. Further, if my understanding is correct, he is now studying law. I know I would love to work with you, Emilio. I enjoyed our conversation, and I do hope that my understanding is correct. If not, just let me know.


Angel lost both legs in an electrical accident. Less regulation does result in more accidents. Yes, his name is really Angel, and he looks like one, too, so beautiful.


I am rightfully seen, at least in Mexico, as the champion of all those who lack power in society. The more disparities exist in economic and political power, the more relevant I become. In the modern day, you can see that I have and that I do stand against oppression, declaring independence. My story is inextricably linked with indigenous people who survive despite racism and stereotypes. Note that the average genetic composition of people from Mexico City is 65% Native American, 31% European, and 3% African (Wikipedia).

I was also present at the Basilica during the main event at midnight. I found people sleeping in the street. I thought about staying with them, but it was not the right thing for me.


Miguel Sanchez, the author of the 1648 tract Imagen de la Virgen María, described me correctly as the Woman of the Apocalypse from the New Testament’s Revelation 12:1, “clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:” (Wikipedia).

The angel supporting me is the Archangel Michael.


What better time than Christmas to reflect on the truth that the Lord did not take away our sins by suffering the death of the cross? The Lord bore sins and represented sins and pointed them out. Why? The Lord came into the world to make salvation possible for man. How? By remission of sins after repentance.

The Lord removes sins from those who believe in the Lord and who live in accordance with the Lord’s commandments.

Repentance means seeing one’s sins, praying to the Lord for help and refraining from sinning any more thanks to the Lord’s help. Only by repentance can sins be taken away. And when he has done the work of repentance, then may salvation be awarded him by the Lord.

That is, salvation is awarded to him who has seen and acknowledged his sins and who desists from them by virtue of being in the good of love and in the truth of faith from the Lord. Regeneration is a washing from sins, a spiritual washing, a baptism.


More and more I am asked how one can build one’s faith, one’s connection to our Lord? The answer is by serving others, non-merit-seeking acts of charity.

In John, we learn that the Lord is the Word (1:1, 14); that He is the Truth (14:6); and that He is the Light, and so Enlightenment (12:34-36). God is omnipresent, what is holy proceeds from God (for thou only art holy (Revelation 15:4)), and where God is received God enlightens.

We are coming a long way, Lord, from hundreds of gods to the realization, finally, that the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit is all one thing!


Love, Marie

Weaning Ourselves from Fossil Fuels

Use what’s left to wean ourselves off.

Most Respected Readers,

The remaining fossil fuels are best used to wean ourselves from fossil fuels and transition to sustainable living.  In fact, we are already behind.  So please do something.  For example, you can bicycle more and drive less, wear a sweater and keep the heat turned down, compost more and throw away less, buy local and organic and sustainable products, do some gardening to grow a little or even a lot of your own food, use and invest in renewable energy systems and so much more.  I hope my video will inspire you!


Sun Salutations

Yoga is a Great Way to Start the Day

I love to start the day with three sun salutations.  I ask the Lord how I can serve today.  I try to listen well for the answer.  I recognize the warmth and love and light of the Lord.  When I hear the answer, I try not to complain or protest or claim that it is impossible or that I cannot do it or that I am not worthy or capable or competent, but I struggle.  In the end, I want what the Lord wants so badly that I have no choice but to comply.  And then I praise the Lord and love the Lord even more.  In the morning the sun comes up and the cycle repeats.


Mike and Me

How the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” really work.

Beloved Readers,

What would I do without you?  I would certainly perish.

I know you want to know what happened to my perfect marriage and my perfect life that everyone thought they were so jealous of.  Since I am now divorced, I know you wonder what man could be good enough for me.  I have no idea how I can possibly explain it to you when I cannot even comprehend it myself.  But as my sister the special education teacher says, we have to at least make an effort.  So here goes…

My mother always told me that there is a lid for every pot, and that even odd-shaped pots have a lid.  Since she was used to cooking at altitude, it does stand to reason that she could really appreciate the necessity of a lid.

So I could never understand how people could get divorced after 20 years of marriage.  It always bothered me especially, almost as if I somehow knew deep down inside that it would happen to me someday.

My ex-husband, Mike, and I have been through too much together – a parade of horrors, really.  We have felt each other since we were little children.  When he visited my state in the summertime, it was especially turbulent for both of us, even though we never saw each other until much, much later.

I was on a crazed path to find him.  After college, I moved to another state by myself and, after three years of working as a chemist, started graduate school in biology.  It was in the midst of my graduate program that I finally found my destiny, or rather was introduced to him.  And that is when the real trouble started.

We got set up to meet at a Halloween party of a mutual friend on whom the inevitable was not lost either.  Of course my future husband would have had to try hard to make a worse first impression.  When I finally asked him out to lunch before I left the party, he said no.  Yet I found myself leaving some guy in a hot tub the moment Mike summoned me because that is how connected we are.  And that is what it took to goad him because that is how we used to be in the past.

Sadly, Mike was almost dead when I met him, and no doctor could figure out what was wrong.  I fell in love with him.  I believed in him.  And sure enough, he figured out that the sick buildings were making all of us sick.  He thought the unthinkable, and he was right.

He took me to the laboratory where he was doing his research.  He was growing heart cells in a circular plastic dish.  He showed me under the microscope how he had nurtured them so well that they were beating rhythmically all together.  I thought I saw grace.  I realized I was not breathing.  Although the heart is linked to emotions and virtues, such as love and courage, it is actually a muscular pump.

I thought Mike was cool because he was dating a black woman.  My previous fiancé wanted nothing more to do with me once he found out I had been with a black man (well, two black men actually, but who is counting?).  I wanted nothing more to do with him, either, and was sorry I didn’t mention it earlier.  But of course he broke my heart, too, and I still love him, too.  Anyway, I was so relieved to know that at least I would not have that problem with Mike because Mike at least understood that not-white is right.

Diversity is a species-preserving mechanism.  You see, the only thing that does not change is that things change.  If we are all the same, then when things change, we all die.  As a species, we have to be ready for anything.  We are all in this together, especially now with climate change.

“You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:18).

As can clearly be seen from the above, racism is against the Word and therefore against the Lord.  Racism is also biologically incorrect since inbreeding (mating of closely related individuals) leads to decreased biological fitness of a population by increasing chances of offspring being affected by deleterious recessive traits.  Wikipedia

When Mike and I went to get our marriage license, we were told no.  “We don’t marry cousins here!” she despicably announced to us in front of everyone.  For one of our anniversaries, our mothers and sisters collaborated to send us side-by-side framed pictures of us as first graders.  Indeed, everyone thought those were our kids.  Yet our whole world put Mike & Me together just like Flowers in the Attic.  Rather than respecting God’s creation, this evil world destroys love by trying to dictate it.

I finally crashed my spaceship into Mike’s.  It was well beyond attraction.  It was more of a recognition.  A recognition of a shared destiny no matter what.  It was out of this world, very, very far out.

I nursed him back to health so that we could make the world a better place together.  I thought he would either get better or die.  Who knew those were not the only two options?

My husband bought into biomedical atheism where he chose science in the God vs. science debate.  Whether it was caused by or the cause of his atheism I don’t know, but he also developed the god complex.  The god complex is a serious potential pitfall for the super smart that will almost certainly be exacerbated by medical school brainwashing.

A person with a god complex may refuse to admit the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of irrefutable evidence, intractable problems or impossible tasks.  The person is also highly dogmatic in their views, meaning the person speaks of their personal opinions as though they are unquestionably correct.  Someone with a god complex may exhibit no regard for the conventions and demands of society, and may request special consideration or privileges.  Wikipedia

God complex has also been described as a belief that one is a god.  My husband developed so much pride in his own intelligence that he did not need the Lord.  His good looks made it all even worse.  When you get to where you can, you find that you are either believing in God or you are playing God.  And when people play God, atrocities happen.

As I tried to explain in my first blog post, I attribute most of my most important wisdom to the fact that I am a whore.  So trust me when I tell you that what they teach white men in fraternities and medical school and the military (is there a difference fundamentally?) is that you can control people by treating them like shit and breaking them down.  And if you are successful at it, people admire you and try to emulate you.  And if you are not successful at it but you are rich, then you can buy an army and lots of publicity to force your will on the masses.  You just have to instantaneously put yourself above any other person you meet no matter what.  Be condescending, look down at them, scoff a lot, use your body posture in a dominating and sexist manner, especially if you look good.  Blame them for everything, make them responsible for everything but powerless, take all the credit and project all of your anxieties and insecurities on them and act like they are theirs.  Look how well it has worked and is working, especially on the nice people!

If you are afraid of losing a beautiful woman, the above tactics can be incredibly useful as well.  The way you treat her makes her feel like shit and she believes it is all her fault.  She is not beautiful because she does not feel beautiful because she is not treated as a beauty.

The sword becomes the shield as pride is used for protection against bullying and attack in this evil world.  Really this is just evil propagating more evil: “When pride comes, then comes shame: but with the lowly is wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).

Mike proceeded to drag me deep into hell with him and I let him.  I let him, I never let go, I endured an inhuman amount of pain because I love him that much.  My trip through hell has been physical as well as spiritual and looks a lot like Dante’s:

Living with someone who did not accept Christ was a hopeless life confined to nothing more than rational minds can conceive, which in the absence of the Lord is nothing more than wicked plots.  The emptiness of a life devoid of spirituality leads to greed for material possessions that, in turn, can lead to being ensnared in the “more is never enough” trap.  The power of lust to blow one about needlessly and aimlessly was no stranger to me.  The cold, selfish and empty sensuality of his life resulted in the anger or sulkiness that can find no joy in God or wife or the universe.  Frustration and desperation led to exploitation and the feeding of a vicious, negative cycle.  What really convinced me, as a scientist, is that things went wrong 100% of the time, which is a statistical impossibility.  Even by chance alone, things should only go horribly wrong 50% of the time.

Looking back, it seems unfathomable, really.  No way was I going to let go, though.  Oh no, I was going to drag both of our asses back out of hell instead of succumbing or ditching him.  That is what unconditional, seemingly unrequited love is.  What love could rival that?  And yeah, we both got hurt badly in the process.  That doesn’t kill our love, though, only the way we have to live moving forward.

He always said that he loved me and I believed him until I could not believe him anymore because he could not show me love no matter what I did.  I could not make him happy, in spite of my huge imagination and all the things I tried over more than 20 years.

Loving someone without being able to show them love is like having faith yet being unable to perform charity.  Those who believe that faith alone will be enough for salvation have misunderstood Paul’s statement in Romans 3:28, that “Man is justified by faith without the works of the Law.”  Paul meant the works of the Mosaic law which was for the Jews.  This may clearly be seen from Paul’s words to Peter, “Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law” (Gal 2:14-16).  Also, he distinguishes between the law of faith and the law of works, or deeds (see Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation).

Do the work of repentance and look to the Lord and you will have faith.  Otherwise, faith does not contain anything living.  True charity then proceeds from faith.

Being charitable means taking delight in doing good to others without recompense.  Being allowed to do good to others is sufficient recompense.  The more charitable people are, the greater their intelligence and happiness.

Every supposed good deed of charity that is done by man for the sake of salvation or eternal life is not good but evil.  This is because man is hereby trying to save himself when only the Lord can save him!  Even worse, he is trying to save himself by doing what he thinks is a good deed, what he wants, not what the Lord wants him to do as a good deed.  When man places his own will into in, then it is cursed and not blessed.  (Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation.)

For example, going to church every Sunday and exploiting your employees the rest of the time is not true charity.  Volunteering in the soup kitchen once to make yourself feel good and look good to others is not true charity.  Forcing your employees to donate to United Way to make your corporation look charitable is not true charity.  True charity is not merit-claiming!

Also, moral charity and its civil and political benefits are not the products of faith.  Even atheists refrain from breaking laws and they will even help an old lady across the street, especially if others are watching and photographing.

True charity proceeds from faith, from loving the Lord above all else and wanting what the Lord wants.  Charity comes by conjunction with the Word and the Lord is the Word.  It is from Him.  He is in it.  Conjunction comes by voluntarily choosing the Lord and using one’s free will to act according to the Word.

If you do good from the Word, then you do it from the Lord, from His word of mouth and His will.  And if at the same time you look to Him, He will lead you, and will help you do it, through you.  Anyone who does something at the behest and will of a king will never say they do it from themselves, at their own command, or from their own will.  (Swedenborg, E. (1981) Apocalypse Revealed.  NY: Swedenborg Foundation.)

To make matters much, much worse for Mike & Me, we experienced a lack of support from family and friends alike.  No one seemed to understand, and everyone hurt us.  We forgive them for surely they know not what they do.

Did we have children? No, we did not.  Is it because one or the other was not physically capable?  No, it is not.  Is it because we hate children?  NO!  We never had any security or stability.  There is never a good time; just do it, is what everyone always says.  But our situation was extreme.  Two science doctors trying to make it is really mission impossible.  Further, I do not believe that either one of us wanted children for selfish reasons.  Children should have a mother and a father and those parents should have something to offer their child or children, namely love, basic necessities, and enough of an uninterrupted sense of stability and security to be able to play, experience, learn carelessly, and build confidence.  Instead, between the two of us it seemed like we were always looking for work, dealing with temporary positions, moving, and many times suffering the stress of both of us being unemployed at the same time and not even being able to enjoy that time together.  We were not happy; how could we be?  We did not have children to try and solve any problems or make us happy.  No, it is not about us; it is about them.  And from a scientific standpoint of resources and pollution and climate change, I do believe that this world is overpopulated.

I recall my now long deceased father’s words at the end of my wedding video, that Mike and I shared the common goal of wanting to make the world a better place.  Then maybe we could be happy!  Not that it came easily, but we did amazing work together, whether designing new drugs, discovering PTSD biomarkers and drug targets, or fixing the kitchen sink.  Everyone is insanely jealous of our synergistic collaborations.  So we have been attacked from every angle, in the light and in the dark.

Tenacious as we are, our work products include the attached instructions for improving our economy and saving this country, entitled “Commercialization of University Research.”  By far the most important contribution born out of our union and love and the necessity of our situation is the empowerment for all entitled “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” which can easily be found on this website.

Thanks to the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” Mike is with the Lord now.  Otherwise, what can I make of my life’s work and my broken heart?

With the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” we were able to turn around before we reached the worst level of hell.  The worst level is home to those who are guilty of deliberate evil.  That is, they know better and choose evil purposely.  But don’t worry, babe, I would have gone there with you, too.  After all, I know the place well.

What changed his choice?  Was it love?  Was it the realization, finally, that there is nothing he can do to make me not love the Lord or him anymore?  That is true even though he is such a thorough experimenter and scientist.  Was the scientist finally convinced by the strength of my faith?  Maybe he is just tired of arguing with me for over two decades and is finally giving up or giving in.  But I have to believe that his light turned on.  Even the darkest soul has a light inside at its center.  Maybe I finally figured out how to make him love me – by leaving him!  Maybe everything is the way it is supposed to be…

By now it is apparent that we are soul twins, not to be confused with soul mates.

As explained by Dr. Baldwin in Spirit Releasement Therapy: A Technique Manual, twin souls or twin flames are said to be the two halves of a monad, the God created spark of spirit.  Each experiences on its own while remaining connected in consciousness.  The two will reconnect before the monad rejoins the Oneness.  In the meantime, I expect we will both be preparing for that last dance.  We are to follow separate paths of spiritual growth and, by nature of our relationship, get the job done more quickly than either could do alone.  Our purpose is not to be together in a romantic relationship, but to find each other for the spiritual work necessary during these times.  Baldwin, W.J. (2009) Spirit Releasement Therapy: A Technique Manual, Second Edition.  Terra Alta, WV: Headline Books.

Twin flames are represented well by the yin and the yang.  Each of the two partners mirrors precisely what the other lacks.  This causes intense conflict within a relationship, particularly in the context of the god complex.  He was the conqueror and I the conquered.  It worked so well until it inevitably did not anymore.

Any inability to deal well with or accept change causes immense difficulties along the path of self-realization.  Further, achievement of self-realization necessitates exploration and healing of our deepest fears, flaws, and wounds.  We have learned so much together and now it is time to separate and spread the truth which is united with good.

I will always love Mike.  I still believe in transformers who see the Light and choose the Light and do not go back.  I believe in repentance and remission (see blog post entitled, “Pierce the Veil”), and I believe in forgiveness and LOVE.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”  George Eliot



Pierce the Veil

My Dearest Readers,

I love you and I really hope you like this first response to your requests.  Thank you so much for being my readers and giving me your thoughtful feedback.  There really aren’t words sufficient to express my gratitude, but know that I do not know if there is any greater satisfaction a writer could hope for.

So without further ado, let us pierce the veil, shall we?

What can you do all by yourself?  Besides the obvious is what I am taking this to mean, yes.  If you want to talk about that, too, then you know just what to do.  Contact me.

First of all, consider the fact that you are one of so relatively few people in this world of over 7,446,295,490 people to be here participating in this website.  If one does not believe much in coincidences, then what are the chances you are reading this?  The probability of winning a Powerball jackpot can be 1 in 175,223,510, just to give you an idea.  At first there are a few, and then many.

So you are already way ahead of the game and must be a leader or yet to emerge as a leader or at least one of the most open-minded souls incarnated in this world.  Therefore, you probably already know that prevention is the first line of defense.

Not believing in evil does not protect anyone from it.  What can protect us from evil is knowledge, understanding, and love.  This is all such very good news.  As Rage Against the Machine sings in “Township Rebellion,” “Shackle your minds and you’re left on the cross!  When ignorance reigns, life is lost!”

Even before reading or finishing reading the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” on this website, there is a lot you can do to make life better for yourself and others.

First of all, you can reject the negative energy and the negative influences in your life.  As my mother always told me, “if the shoe doesn’t fit, then don’t wear it, and make the best of circumstances.”

You can say to yourself, or even out loud, something like: “I reject the negative energy.  I request that my life and the life of others be filled with more positive energy.”  Often the results of this statement may be subtle or fleeting at first, but with more practice and repetition, and eventually more understanding, positive life changes can be transformative.

For example, I realized I had a neighbor with PTSD long before I knew that I had the condition myself.  Guess it does take one to know one, even if the one or neither one knows it.  To me it was obvious that he had experienced war to the point that he could not stop experiencing it.  He suffered intermittent outbursts of intense pain, frustration, and resentment thereof.  He was so overcome with it all that he would end up outside, no matter the weather, so beside himself he could only cry out words that I could never understand.  It sounded like begging for mercy to me.  It sounded like someone having a hard time with incomprehensible horrors.  Who could possibly understand the terror that he himself could not fathom?

So I prayed for him, every day and especially on bad days and most especially when he was crying.  I envisioned sharing White Light with him, embracing him with the warmth and comfort and love.  I prayed for help, healing, and protection in accordance with the White Light.  The few times I actually saw him in person, I tried to greet him warmly, look him in the eyes, show him I care.  Even though it may all sound goofy to you, the undeniable fact is that he got better over the days and weeks and months and years.  And then when I had to leave, it eventually got worse again.  But not to worry, an enlightened friend has got his back now.

The following meditation or imagination is particularly valuable for self-protection and rapid relief from fear, anxiety, panic and such.  At first it will take a little effort, but soon it becomes automatic and pretty much instantaneous with a little practice.  You can do it anywhere, anytime.  Why not?

“Imagine now, begin to visualize, deep within your chest, a brilliant light.  It is your connection with the Light.  See this light glowing warmly and expanding into your abdomen and down into your legs and feet.  Now see the light expand up into your chest and shoulders and out into your arms and hands.  See the light expand even further up into your neck and head.  Imagine now that the light is expanding out past your body, expanding out at least an arm’s length in front of you, behind you, on either side of you, as high as you can reach above your head and down beneath your feet.  See and feel the energy of this light filling your entire body and surrounding you lovingly, protectingly, and comfortably.  Sparkling through the light now, imagine bits of emerald green, the color of the energy of healing, and bits of rose pink, the color of the energy of love.  Every cell of your body has its own intelligence and will use this healing energy for your highest good.”

You can do yoga, meditation, and relaxation.  There are classes, books and recordings, and you can even make your own.  Once you get good enough at clearing your mind, you can watch your thoughts, remember your dreams, and listen for astounding revelations.  It helps to learn how to breathe, for example by taking some yoga classes.  Ultimately you can know who you are and what you are here to do.  Sadly, most of us seem to be lost and invalidated.  However, it is not too late to be who you could be, namely your true, most beautiful, highest self.

You can dance for fun and even performance without competition or judgment.

You can pray.  You can put yourself in proper position with respect to your Creator and bow yourself down.  Remember that honor is through humility, like faith is through charity.

You can read the Word.  There is even an App for that.  The Word is now online and searchable and the verse of the day shows up some way.

You can consider this:  that the Lord did not take away our sins by suffering the death of the cross.  Rather, the Lord bore sins and represented sins and pointed them out.  Why?  The Lord came into the world to make salvation possible for man.  How?  By remission of sins after repentance.

The Lord removes sins from those who believe in the Lord and who live according to the Lord’s commandments.

Repentance means seeing one’s sins, praying to the Lord for help and refraining from sinning any more thanks to the Lord’s help.  Only by repentance can sins be taken away.  And when he has done the work of repentance, then may salvation be awarded him by the Lord.

That is, salvation is awarded to him who has seen and acknowledged his sins and who desists from them by virtue of being in the good of love and in the truth of faith from the Lord.  Regeneration is a washing from sins, a spiritual washing, a baptism.

Whatever you do, do not do what I did in Switzerland.  In the midst of family turmoil, I was asked the question loud and clear in my crazy head, “Will you take it for the family?”  I said “anything for my family.”  I should have said, “who is asking, who wants to know, who are you?”

Of course I have to learn everything the hard way, so next thing I knew I had an accident with a knife in the kitchen wherein my finger was cut to the bone.  Could there be energy transfer by those with strong fields, good and bad?  Can thoughts become things?

It is a fundamental and common theme in biology that there are positive and negative forces ever engaged in a dance that can swing away from the middle for periods but inevitably swings back.  This makes it even more critical to be able to distinguish between positive and negative forces.

At least I found out that socialized medicine works.  I have almost full use of my right index finger, thankfully.  My French physical therapist made me cry a lot, tough love, but it was worth it.  Thank you; I love you, too.

Please keep in mind that the deeper the hell you dig yourself into, the longer it will take to work your way back to heaven.  It is not the Lord’s fault that you chose evil and were stubborn.  It does appear as if it is coming from the Lord, but in reality we do it to ourselves.  The good news is that we can choose to change it, too, by repenting and praying for remission of sins.  The free will thus constitutes the man.

The more familiar you become with the “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition,” the more you will learn and the more you will be able to help.  For example, you will be able to clear entire buildings and locations of destructive and interfering energies.  You will also be able to clear dark ones from yourself and others, as long as there are no agreements or arrangements that are being held onto.

Anyone who bargained with the dark side is free to withdraw from the contract.  It is up to the host to end an arrangement or agreement with an attached dark one.  Reasons that contracts with the dark side can be voided include the following:

A contract is void if one party neglects to fulfill the particulars of the agreement or bargains with bad intentions.

Contracts made under duress may be voided.

Contracts made under deceit may be voided.  Dark ones use deceit to initiate contracts.  In fact, dark ones themselves are deceived in that they, too, have inner light that they are unaware of.  Therefore, as deceivers who have themselves been deceived, their works can be nullified by the Light.

The Light can always extinguish the darkness including every last shadow hiding in the far reaches and nooks and crannies.

Human beings are free to choose between the Light and dark.  Once the choice is made, it cannot be denied by either side.  This choice can be changed at any time.

Rejection of the darkness is formally stated as follows:  “In the name of the Light, I choose the Light and reject the darkness.  I reject all dark energies and activities.  I revoke any and all agreements and associations with the darkness or any dark one.  I am free.”

People you help may never even need to know it.  However, if the underlying issue(s) is not addressed, then the same problems will most likely keep resurfacing.

Most importantly, always remember you are not really alone.  Check out Freeing the Captives (1999) by Dr. Louise Ireland-Frey, Mind Probe – Hypnosis (2000) by Dr. Irene Hickman, The Unquiet Dead (1987) by Dr. Edith Fiore, and The Bright Light of Death (1977) by Annabel Chaplin.

Please contact me and let me know if there is anything I can do to help connect Spiritual Singles so you can do service together, if you want to, of course.  It does work over the phone, too.

“And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem” (Luke 24:47 KJV).