First blog post

PTSD PhD Marie

(see last part of this article for discussion of what can help with PTSD)

Which of the following is true about the woman pictured on the homepage of this website?

(a) this woman has PTSD

(b) this woman is 49 years old

(c) this woman has a Ph.D. degree in microbiology and immunology

(d) this woman has been unemployed for 6 years

(e) all of the above

Is it true that I have post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD?  No one would believe it anyway.  Even if I got the best scientists and doctors in the world to “prove” that I have PTSD with a mountain of data sure to roll your eyes all the way back into their sockets, no one will believe me.  After all, people can deny climate change even though they are experiencing it themselves, even though 99% of climate scientists agree and have offered up all the best data that funding will allow and then some, and even though the predictions that climate scientists have been making over the past decades are proving true!  Check your recent history if you are surprised by the previous statements.  If you are offended, I am sorry, I pray for you, and I understand if you cannot bear to read any further.  For those who are ready, though, have I got some stories for you…

I have to warn you that even if people did think I might have PTSD, they would not feel sorry for me.  Am I that horrible?  Some would say that I am the most generous person they have ever met.  Others would say I am a member of the evil German race.  Another might say they have a hard time loving another after loving me.  One says I am the best scientist in the whole world while someone else claims that women cannot do math and should be chained to the kitchen.

Apparently women blame other women for their men’s transgressions rather than placing the blame where it rightfully belongs.  If I claimed to be raped, most everyone would agree I had it coming.  Yet much as women hate me, if they see me being tortured (e.g., undergoing spinal decompression therapy, which is totally worth it), I hear them ask the doctor what they have to do to get what I am having.  If it sounds crazy to you, then how come I am the one labeled with a “mental disorder”?

I did not fully understand these facts of life until recently, most probably because I was raised to have no sense of self-worth.  Sadly, my life experiences have only reinforced my feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness.  Yes, I am 49 years old now and incredibly misunderstood, even by myself.  Abuse, neglect, bullying, jealousy (a form of hate), violation, oppression, denial, invalidation and other negative emotions constitute the vast majority of my overall experience with other people.  At this point I cannot trust anyone.  Everyone says that all the time, but for how many people is it actually, literally true?  Unimaginable, I know, even for me, and even as I am experiencing it.  Rebuilding trust with everyone or anyone seems daunting to me, yet I believe I can achieve it.  In particular, I think group lessons for partner dancing are very helpful where one learns to dance with many different partners (see more below about what can help for PTSD).

To make matters even worse, I believe I may be the smartest person in the whole world.  At least I can say I have not met anyone smarter yet, and I have met a lot of smart people.  I have traveled all over the world searching for them.  I can assure you there are smart everywhere.  So far I am the smartest, however, because I am closest to the Lord.  It is through the Lord and service to the Lord, and putting the Lord above all else that one can gain intelligence and wisdom.  Faith, or intelligence, comes through charity, or serving the Lord by serving others and loving thy neighbor as thyself.

The bad news about being the smartest person is that no one can help me.  This means I must figure out how to help myself.  Also, knowing the things that I know may make me simultaneously the most dangerous and the most endangered person on the planet.  It truly is a miracle that I am writing this story.  Sharing just parts of my life has converted atheists, without my intention or even realization until much later.  And to think that there are people who do not even believe in miracles.  If there is one thing everyone agrees on, though, it is that everyone seems to want me dead.  (Of course there are always exceptions, and they are often extraordinary, stunning, to live for.)  I certainly do not deserve all of this hate.  I believe my life has been a tragedy because the Lord wants me to learn the hardest lessons to share with you.

Even though I am a Ph.D. scientist, I attribute most of my most important wisdom to the fact that I am a whore.  This was done to me from 15 years of age.  Nevertheless, I love men.  Without men, I would have been dead a long time ago.  Men have given me love, even if it was not the right love.  Men have given me money and employment.  And men are the ones who have provided my food and shelter and most of my education. So I love men, a lot.  I admit it.  And I have loved a lot of men.  I have also been abused in every way by men.  But I love them anyway.  Call it what you will, but I call it love.

So where does the truth lie?  Well this much I know: people believe what they want to believe.  Is that what is meant by free will?

In my crazy mind, I have PTSD because this world is evil and I cannot dehumanize or depersonalize my enemy.  In particular, I believe I have PTSD because not enough people are following the ten commandments of our Lord.  I know I have violated each and every one myself.  Do you know the 10 most important things?

1) I am the Lord your God.  You shall have no other gods before me.

There is one God.  The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are one thing, not three things.  Why must this be so?  Because the minute you have at least two people, you have politics, and the same must be true for gods.  If we have gods battling it out over politics, then what do we need them for when we already have congresses full of lawmakers?

If you believe in more than one God, it is a slippery slope leading to everyone being a god.  Why not?  If he or she is a god, then why can’t I be one, too?  Indeed, there is such a thing as a debate among scientists over the existence of God.  Incredibly, most scientists have no need for a god since they have so much pride in their own intelligence, just like satan.  Personally, the more I have learned, the more I have realized how much I do not know, and the closer to the Lord I have come.  From a strictly scientific point of view, the existence of God has not been proven or disproven.  Therefore, it seems quite foolish not to believe in God, at least until or unless the existence of God is disproven (please do not hold your breath).

Top scientists say you cannot be a scientist if you believe in God.  The truth is that you cannot be a scientist at all if you do not believe in God, because truths can only come from our Lord.  And only truth that is united with good is good.

When people play god, atrocities happen from the top down in this evil world.  For example, a very personal example, overproduction of Ph.D. level scientists thanks to greed and exploitation of human resources.  They lied.  They said there was a huge need for molecular biologists.  Now they say molecular biologists are a dime a dozen.  They said scientists who earned a Ph.D. degree would be prioritized over those with less education when push came to shove.  Now they say we are over-qualified.  I have been forsaken by the job market for over 6 years now.  It is high time to take matters into my own hands.

2) You shall make no graven images.

We are spiritual beings living in a physical body in the physical world.  Yes, the physical world as opposed to the spiritual world.  What?  You don’t believe in things you cannot see?  If that is true, then you are certainly not a microbiologist, have never even had a course in microbiology, you poor thing, and you have little imagination that could benefit greatly from some insight into my crazy mind.

It is best to prepare for death, since there is something afterwards, namely our uninterrupted consciousness.  When we die, we leave our physical bodies and, hopefully, continue our soul’s journey under the love and guidance of our Lord.

So knowing that we are spiritual beings, if you have some definite image of our Lord in mind, then you might miss Her the next time She incarnates in this evil world!

3) You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

Respect your Creator always; never disrespect your Creator.  It just seems like common sense.  In other words, do not bite the hand that feeds you.  Recognize and look to the Lord, rather than yourself, as the source of intelligence and wisdom.  Then things here on earth will be more as they are in heaven.

4) Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.

Everyone is working too much and not getting enough time off.  This is a very unhealthy lifestyle that causes too much stress which in turn leads to or worsens many health conditions.  For example, too much stress is a contributor to PTSD.  After all, PTSD is a trauma and stressor related disorder (not an anxiety disorder as was previously claimed).

A lifestyle comprised only of work, with no spirituality, no time to raise kids or relax or take care of yourself or spend the whole day making love, has proven itself unhealthy, unaffordable, and unsustainable.  Most importantly, though, it is not sexy or fun.

5) Honor your mother and your father.

How are you supposed to honor your parents when they are not being parents?  Most are too busy working to play board games or read stories, let alone cook dinner.  Our society is too greedy and too materialistic to allow parents to spend enough quality time with their children.  Parents can also be selfish in wanting their children to be somebody different from who they actually are.  No matter what, though, the commandments must be followed because your parents are your parents for a reason.  You may not understand the reason or you may not understand it until later, but that does not change the fact that there is a reason.  Hopefully your parents are wonderful and honoring them is a pleasure.  If not, then it may be necessary to remove yourself from an abusive, negative, or harmful situation.  Even in the worst case scenarios, however, it is important not to give up on anyone in the longer term if possible.

6) You shall not kill.

Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren (1 John 3:16 KJV).

After completing my Ph.D. degree, the next step was to start a long career as an indentured servant, also known as postdoctoral researcher.  I went to a lab in an ivy league school because that was where my Ph.D. advisor wanted me to go.  And it seemed like a good idea to go to such a renowned institution given that you really had to get lucky and make it big to make it at all.

But the science there was unlike any I had seen before.  Rather than the expected 1% success rate, this lab was confirming the boss’ hypotheses at a near perfect rate.  Could it have to do with his habit of sauntering down the aisle of his enormous, open laboratory early in the morning reminding us that all 35 of us were competing for the same one position that could be expected to be available by the time someone managed to do just the right experiments to get breakthrough results?  Did he think he was motivating us?

I was so suspicious and disturbed by the anomalies in the proceedings of this laboratory that I made an appointment to meet with the boss in person to discuss my concerns.  He asked whether I felt that he was being bamboozled by his own researchers.  I had to confess that yes, his understanding was perfectly correct.  Nevertheless, he rejected my warnings, and I rejected him for fear of sharing the inevitable blood on my hands.

I went crying back to my Ph.D. advisor with an even more feverish plea to stop this megalomaniac before he inevitably kills someone.  Much to my shock and horror, he replied calmly that he would lock me up in an insane asylum himself if only he could.  If someone were going to die from gene therapy, he contended, it would have already happened.  Well I could not stay with him.

I ended up fleeing, or being exiled depending on your point of view, with my lover to Europe.  But that is entirely another story.  Anyway, about a year and a half later, I remember sitting in my laboratory one morning overlooking 500-year-old or even older church steeples and opening my email.  Even though I had known that it was inevitable, still the news of the actual event from one of my thesis advisors was shocking and devastating.

An 18-year-old boy died in a human gene therapy experiment.  The experiment was the cause of his death.  Otherwise, he was expected to live a life, although not in perfect health.  Is this an example of human sacrifice for the sake of progress in science, or reckless homicide by a man with a god complex?

As I already mentioned above, I believe people believe what they want to believe.  I also believe that those who ask the right questions can be oppressed and punished.  If no one speaks up, then things like rape do not exist.

7) You shall not commit adultery.

At the root of adultery is insecurity.  Insecurity, in turn, can result from so many different things as well as combinations of things such as ego, pride, envy, hate, anger, frustration, vengeance, fear, and anxiety.  A need for power to control and dominate seems to be inextricably linked as well.  Bearing the brunt of all these negative and destructive emotions is what rape feels like.  These problems are also responsible for most of this cutthroat economy that we have suffered for too long and that is fundamentally unsustainable.

You should also know that the most intelligent people have the fiercest sex drives.  Freaky, yes, but true nevertheless.

It is difficult for insecure people to be good lovers, at least in the longer term.  If a man cannot satisfy a woman, then she must be a whore.  Further, men are hooked on penis size as the all-important characteristic.  This must be a scapegoat for lack of technique in lovemaking, for any experienced woman knows that that is as far as the importance of size goes.

Size is something inherent that really cannot be changed.  So blame it on that.  Or blame it on the rain, or anything other than the true culprit.  Because we cannot take responsibility.  We cannot even consider the culprit could be ourselves.  It is so unthinkable that it is sure to be the last place an answer will be sought.  And rightfully so since the answer may not be easy to swallow, at least not immediately.  Yet let me assure you would be lovers that it is so worth your while you could not even imagine.  You really have to be there.

The answer lies in developing technique, patience, even servitude of your lover.  With an unselfish lover, this can be the best ever, trust me.  In this day and age there are books and websites to read, sex therapists to consult, movies to watch, and lovers to love, so no excuses.

8) You shall not steal.

That is correct: the 1% shall not steal 99% from the 99%.  In particular, natural resources (like water, oil, gas, coal, black dirt, land, food) do not belong to anyone; natural resources belong to everyone.  Marijuana and all natural products are not for anyone to regulate; marijuana and all natural products are gifts from God for all of us.

9) You shall not lie.

About genetic engineering, climate change, food and drug safety, marijuana, shortages of natural resources, antibiotic resistance, overpopulation…

I confess that I lied about my age to serve alcohol when I was 20 years old.  I was driven out of the house and on my own from 18 years old, and I was having a hard time surviving while trying also to earn a chemistry degree.

10) You shall not covet.

To covet is to have a blameworthy desire for the possessions or qualities of another.  Coveting involves feelings of discontent and resentment towards the possessions or qualities of another that feels like hatred, or racism.

Coveting by greedy and materialistic narcissists leads to exploitation the likes of which has destroyed me and will destroy us all.  The epitome of coveting can lead to the most intimate betrayal, but that is another story.

If we are really honest with ourselves, then I believe we are all guilty of coveting.  I admit that I covet happy, loving relationships.

So, the best answer to the question at the beginning of this story is “e, all of the above.”

What can be done to help PTSD?

See “Instructions for Helping to Improve the Human Condition” on this website.

I think there is a lot of information (as well as misinformation) about PTSD out there.  Wikipedia has a pretty extensive summary of the current state of research and understanding.  Clearly, it is a new frontier and there is so much understanding to gain, all the way down to the molecular level.  This will require time and resources, making it even more critical to discuss things that can help with PTSD in the meantime:

Appeal to all senses in a very positive, loving, validating, non-judgmental manner.  Below are some examples borne out of my own experience.  The list is certainly not exhaustive!  And I am not saying all of the below will work for you personally, especially if you are a guy and I am a girl.  I am just giving examples in case something could work for you and to inspire you and yours to find examples that suit your personality, needs, and style.

Tasting –healthy foods, whole foods not processed foods, foods free of chemicals, additives, and preservatives, delicious and nutritious foods, marijuana, herbal extracts, organic, natural, and local, mezcal in moderation if you can handle it.

Feeling – massage, pedicure (I have seen men there, too, just can do without that clear coat honestly but up to you and yours), love, safe, hot bath, sauna, spa, knitted socks, relaxed, high on marijuana, attention of friends and loved ones.

Smelling – essential oils, fresh air, delicious food, cute puppies, candles, flowers and buds.

Seeing – flowers and buds, friends, and beautiful sights which for me is all about nature and being close to God.

Hearing – music, words of encouragement, forgiveness, apologies, friendship, validation, appreciation, good news, gratefulness, praise.

Doing – hobbies, moderate exercise every day, taking care of yourself, resting, relaxing, dancing, yoga, meditation, building trust, believing you can get better, believing in your will to live and inner strength, knowing there is nothing you can do to make the Lord stop loving you, knowing the Lord is there waiting for you to turn to, entertainment, vacation, having something to look forward to, daring to dream in spite of the nightmares and knowing that everything is going to be okay, and of course writing…